I don’t think anyone ever expected Saw to be the biggest horror franchise of the 2000s. How does something like that even happen? Is it the gore? Or maybe it’s more than that? What sets Saw apart is what happens before the gore. Morally questionable individuals are put into Rube Goldberg-like devices where they must take harm on their own bodies to survive. These “Traps” are what put Saw a few steps above something like Hostel or Turistas. That being said I definitely have my issues with this movie and the direction the series went in.

Saw begins with two men: photographer Adam Stanheight (Leigh Whannell) and Dr. Lawrence Gordon (Cary Elwes) waking up in industrial washroom. Both men are chained at the ankle to pipes at opposite ends of the room. Between them a corpse and a cassette player. Adam and Gordon each find tapes in their pockets that when played, reveal they have been put there because each of them has done something wrong. Gordon is given the choice to either kill Adam by six ‘o clock (which will also save his captured wife and daughter) or use a saw that Adam finds to cut off his own leg. Now ain’t that a dilly of a pickle?

Meanwhile, a police officer played by Danny Glover (who is far too old for this shit) is tracking down the same man responsible for the trap, “The Jigsaw Killer”. The killer’s shtick being to take people who have abused life and put them into scenarios where they must sacrifice something (usually a body part) to survive. The concept and stakes are high, which result in one of the more inventive horror movies to come along in awhile.

I like the premise and the concept of a killer who makes people kill themselves but that doesn’t stop Saw from avoiding horror cliches. Fake scares, overly flashy camera effects/filters, and melodramatic dialogue are just in present in Saw as any other straight to dvd shlockfest. Cary Elwes, Danny Glover, and the film’s villain Tobin Bell are definitely a step above the kind of people you usually seen in these movies but I need more. The reason I’m so hard on Saw is that it was so close to being something truly great. Instead it’s a a very typical horror movie with a very untypical plot. Don’t even get me started on the endless parade of sequels. To believe that someone could continue to trap so many people, especially after the circumstances the villain fell under in the third movie makes the sequels in this franchise a complete joke. Still, I did like the original when I saw it in theaters… See what I did there?

“This one’s for Robin Hood: Men in Tights!”

I would be shocked to learn if this film was made for any other reason than “I want money! Gimme! Gimme! Gimme!” Though I do recognize a genuine attempt to make something worthwhile. The film was directed by the highly visual if not extremely hit or miss Zack Snyder (Man of Steel, Watchmen) and written by writer/director B-movie hero James Gunn (Slither, Super, and the upcoming Guardians of the Galaxy). These aren’t normally the people you’d expect to see on this kind of project. Normally, these horror remakes are cheap and uninspired gore-fests. Dawn, on the other hand, is a grindhouse movie that has received full Hollywood blockbuster treatment.

The film opens with Ana (Sarah Polley), a nurse returning home from a hectic day. An emergency TV bulletin comes up and but she and her man are too busy making the sexy time. The next day they wake up and the apocalypse begins. Their now zombie neighbor enters their bedroom and infects Ana’s husband, she makes a run for the car and makes it by the skin of her teeth. Did I mention the zombies in this movie run? That’s dumb. Why would someone who’s died gain superhuman abilities? Then again, it’s never made sense why zombies can rip people open with their bare hands so whaddya gonna do? Eventually, Ana meets a police officer named Kenneth (Ving Rhames) and they, along with a few other survivors hold up in a shopping mall.

Aside from the whole, “holding up in a mall” the film shares few similarities with the original Romero film. On one hand, it’s good that they took it in their own direction, on the other, why not make a new movie entirely? It’s like they wanted to separate themselves form the original but still piggyback off its name. Aside from the beginning, which I will admit is entertaining, I don’t care for much else that happens. There’s a bunch of violent confrontations, a sequence in some heavily armed buses, and a zombie baby. Yes, you heard me correctly, an infected woman gives birth to a zombie baby. It’s as stupid as it sounds.

Dawn of the Dead has a few bold visuals. Perhaps the most memorable being an opening montage of chaotic news footage set to Johnny Cash’s “The Man Comes Around”. But there’s little else that we haven’t already seen done better. Yet this movie has quite a following. Just so you think I’m not some lone nut, here’s an article by Whatculture on why this movie sucks.

Zombie baby’s day out!

I wasn’t planning on reviewing this one but you have to give the people what they want. The fact that this movie exists is fucking hilarious. Why would two of the biggest slasher villains of all time need to fight each other? They both share the same enemy (sexy teens.) The only explanation is New Line Cinema wanted to give fans the biggest horrorgasm of all time. The results are one of the best/worst movies I’ve seen.

The “plot” (and I use the word lightly) concerns Freddy, trapped in hell, who decides the citizens of Springwood, Ohio need to feel fear again. So Freddy poses as Jason’s mother and manipulates Jason into a killing spree. That’s all the motivation I need. The victims… I mean protagonists are Lori Campbell (Monica Keena), a young adult who lives with her widowed father, and Will Rollins (Jason Ritter), a former victim of Freddy living in an insane asylum. Also, for some reason, Kelly Rowland from Destiny’s Child. The human characters don’t matter. That’s why we have scenes like THIS ONE.

I was 12 when I saw this in theaters with my German born, Horror-movie-loving stepdad. I don’t think either of us thought it was good, but we had a good time. In one corner you have Freddy Krueger (Robert Englund), slicing up teens in LSD inspired dream sequences and then you have Jason Vorhees (Ken Kirzinger), swinging a machete like a mentally challenged caveman. As if it wasn’t hard enough for teens to face off against one supernatural monster. But it’s not just the teens caught up in the chaos. For no logical reason, Freddy and Jason most also face off.

Freddy and Jason don’t exchange fisty cuffs until the film’s end but it’s worth it. Their fight mostly consists of Freddy going into Jason’s mind and scaring him like a stupid baby and Jason chucking Freddy around like a rag doll. It doesn’t really make sense for what’s essentially a ghost (Freddy) to be fighting a zombie (Jason) but who gives a shit? I don’t.

In conclusion, here’s one of the “greatest” fight scenes set to some of the worst metal music ever written:

P.S. My favorite moment is at the 59-secondd mark.

My first encounter with The Grudge came in 2004 after renting the American remake. The film was a piece of shit but I do fondly remember a half-awake Bill Pullman as Peter Kirk (same name as the founder of my hometown Kirkland, WA). Since I hated the film I never had any interest in seeing the original. Eventually, I took a Film and Religion class and oddly enough, Ju On: The Grudge was one of the films we watched. It was intriguing delving into how Japanese culture recognizes the power of spirits. “The Grudge” itself in the film represents a curse that is born when someone dies in the grip of a powerful rage or extreme sorrow. This curse is passed on person-to-person through the place of its inception and the aftermath isn’t pretty.

The film is split up in a non-linear fashion following the paths of six characters. The whole acts more as a series of jointed short films than a single narrative. The crux of the plot stems from a house where a tragic murder took place five years ago. There a father killed his wife and son in a fit of rage before killing himself. Since then, anyone who comes in contact with the house becomes a part of “The Grudge”.

What sets apart The Grudge from your typical ghost movie is the pacing. There’s plenty of time to develop story and character and then work you into a situation where you think you’re safe… But then you’re not. The Grudge even manages to add tension to scenes in the broad daylight, not an easy feat. Though a ghost movie is only as scary as its ghosts. In The Grudge we have the ghost of a young boy who makes cat noises and the ghost of an older woman with long dark hair. Each character carries pained visages frozen in terror, but it all comes home with the film’s infamous “death rattle”. A death rattle being one of the last sounds a person makes before they die. The buildup of saliva in the throat leaves for a rattling moan, and The Grudge utilizes this masterfully.

The Grudge is one of the finest in its sub-genre of intelligent, character-driven, Japanese ghost stories. It has gone on to spawn a handful of sequels (it itself being the third of a series) and remakes. There’s a charm to its simplicity but also a great uneasiness. It’ll make the drool drip down your throat.

My kind of Ménage à trois.

France’s Haute Tension or “High Tension” is a film that I knew about for many years only because I knew it had a twist ending. A make or break twist ending that changes everything you’ve just seen. It’s this ending that won the just as much applause as boos by viewing audiences. Sadly, I find myself in the latter category. Let’s try to find out why.

French college students, Marie (Cécile de France) and Alex (Maïwenn), travel to Alex’s family farmhouse to study for upcoming exams. What seems to be a quiet environment is quickly interrupted by a sadistic killer (Phillipe Nahon). When the killer binds and kidnaps Alex, Marie sets out to save her friend, resulting a violent game of cat and mouse. A fairly typical setup to a fairly typical slasher, until later.

[toggle title_open=”Major Spoiler!” title_closed=”Major Spoiler!” hide=”yes” border=”yes” style=”default” excerpt_length=”0″ read_more_text=”Read More” read_less_text=”Read Less” include_excerpt_html=”no”]So in the end it turns out that the killer is actually an alternate personality of Marie. This killer, who we see kidnapping Alex and murdering many people on the way is in fact the murderer. This makes no sense. Not only are the killer and Marie often seen in two different places at the same time, but we see the killer accomplish things that Marie never could. How is it that a 90lb girl with a Mia Farrow haircut is able to decapitate someone by ramming a bookcase into their head? I think someone needs to throw the book at this one. Eh?

It doesn’t get more cliche than High Tension. What’s weird is how much of a breakout hit it was for its director Alexander Aja. Since then, Aja has directed: The Hills Have Eyes, P2, Mirrors, Piranha 3D and the upcoming Horns, which I now believe will suck. Why do people keep giving this man work? Its not like he had any original ideas to begin with. High Tension may have its following but I’ll go my own way.

Now that’s a hot chick.