in Shocktober

AVP: Alien vs. Predator (2004)

Yet again I have found myself behind schedule with the grueling demands of Shocktober. This is the second time I’ve had to replace a good film that I didn’t finish with a much shittier film. It’s okay though, shitty can be fun. What am I gonna do about those better films? I think I’ll review them in November just cause. Today were talking about AVP: Alien vs. Predator. Even though this was a film that nerds had been having wet dreams about for years, the end results were a nightmare.

Is this really horror? I like to think that just because something has lasers doesn’t mean it can’t be scary. What’s scarier than violent monsters from outer space? That was the question that noted auteur Paul W.S. Anderson sought out to answer. You know Paul W.S Anderson as the genius behind such masterpieces as; Mortal Kombat, Death Race, and Resident Evil 1, 4, and 5 (Resident Evil 2 and 3 can suck my dick). I take it that PWSA gets all his inspiration from playing with action figures, because that’s about the level of sophistication he’s operating on.

AVP tells the heartwarming story of a forgettable archaeological exploration team (sans Lance Henriksen) that stumbles upon an ancient alien ruin, and then the Predators show up and start killin’ everybody. I don’t remember what set in motion the Aliens and the Predators facing off and I don’t care to find out. The whole reason anyone sees this movie is to see lots of intergalactic guts. Which is why the film’s biggest “Fuck You!” is the fact that this is PG-13. So what do we have here? No good violence, not much of a cast to speak of, and two adversaries that can’t talk. Goops!

My favorite part of the “story” is when the humans discover the Predators are basically responsible for establishing ancient human culture. Supposedly, the Predators taught man how to build the pyramids and were gods to the humans. So they have fuckin’ spaceships but they only teach man how to build pyramids? How is it that there’s no record (aside from these ruins) about the former rulers of the planet? Whatever, they were just stoked to be gods, that’s all. I applaud Anderson for trying to come up with a new idea. Too bad it’s the worst idea I’ve ever heard.

There’s little I remember about AVP, which is probably for the best, but I do have one good memory. I saw this in a theater that was directly across from a hotel where then president George W. Bush was staying. Try and find something scarier than that!

Below is an informative video about all the kills in AVP

  1. Real talk: These “versus” movies are really bad, does this spell disaster for “Batman vs. Superman”? Yes, if that’s the title.

  2. As far as I’m concerned the only “vs.” movie worth watching is Kramer vs. Kramer. Who needs violence when you have such an intense battle of emotions?

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