John Otteni

I made a mockumentary about hunting vampires

Ape-ril: A*P*E

A*P*E (1976)

Not since the dawn of man (around 2014) have I dedicated an entire month to ape cinema, but I’m back, and this time it’s personal! After listening to every album by Gorillaz and finishing Donkey Kong Bananza a few months ago, my body is ready. *Starts beating chest. This month I’m gonna live like an Apeman. Hey, you gonna eat that nanner over there?

Last time, I reviewed the OG Planet of the Apes films, but this time I’m tackling KILLER ape movies. “Oh sweet, like Shakma and Monkey Shines?” NO! WRONG! Those are monkeys. I’m talking about apes, which turned out to be a lot harder than anticipated if the goal was to watch GOOD movies.

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C.A.T: Gorillaz

Gorillaz – Gorillaz (2001)

This month, Gorillaz released their ninth album, The Mountain to glowing reviews, the band is already in midst of a world tour, and a few weeks ago made their first ever appearance on SNL. Not bad for a band that sort of doesn’t exist.

What you might not know is that today, yes TODAY marks the 25th Anniversary of the band’s debut self-titled album. Twenty-five years. Christ. It feels like yesterday I was watching the “Clint Eastwood” video on Cartoon Network’s Toonami block. But no, that was the Summer of 2001. Now I’m an old-ass man. The future is comin’ on.

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Oscars Fortnight: The Last Emperor

The Last Emperor (1987)

60th Academy Awards (1988)
Nominations:
9
Wins: 9

A month ago, I posted a list of my “Top Ten Horny Movies” where I crowned Bernardo Bertolucci’s The Dreamers as my number one. The film has become such a favorite of mine I had to see what else Bertolucci had to offer. Which is tough, because his two biggest movies are 1) A movie no one likes to talk about anymore because of a a sex scene that traumatized its female star and 2) A film about the life of China’s last monarch of the Qing Dynasty, which sounds like a movie I’d watch stretched over a week in school.

Not to mention The Last Emperor is an ’80s Oscar movie. I wrote in my review of Ordinary People last year that I believe the 1980s weren’t just a boring decade for the Oscars, but a boring decade for cinema in general. Now hold on, there’s no need to run me down in your DeLorean just yet. Yes, of course there were good movies in the ’80s, lots of them, but the center of gravity in Hollywood had shifted.

The risky, director-driven “New Hollywood” of the ’70s had been replaced by a more corporate, risk-averse system. Studios had learned the lesson of the blockbuster and weren’t eager to bankroll messy, morally ambiguous adult dramas anymore. Instead, they gravitated toward high-concept hits, sequels, and polished prestige pictures, the kind of films that looked expensive, respectable, and safe chillin’ on an awards ballot.

The Last Emperor is interesting because on one hand it does feel like your typical award-season pabulum. It’s a biopic, it’s long, it’s expensive, but it also did something no Western film had done since 1949. It was shot entirely in China, including extensive scenes inside Beijing’s Forbidden City. That alone was a gamble. The production depended entirely on the cooperation of the Chinese government, which meant the film could have collapsed at any moment if political winds shifted. For a massive international epic, building the entire production around that uncertainty was a risk in itself.

But is it any good?

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Oscars Fortnight: The Conversation

The Conversation (1974)

47th Academy Awards (1975)
Nominations:
3
Wins: 0

A few days ago I finished Mark Seal’s 2021 book Leave the Gun, Take the Cannoli, about the making of The Godfather. I imagine The Godfather is on a lot of people’s minds after the untimely passing of Robert Duvall.

Before reading this book, I always thought Coppola’s 1974 neo-noir thriller The Conversation was a style exercise for Coppola, a brief interlude between epics, a palate cleanser, if you will. It may have been those things, but I didn’t know until reading Mark Seal’s book that Coppola wanted to make The Conversation before The Godfather. The Conversation was his passion; The Godfather was just a gig, before it grew into something bigger than a cheap adaptation of a pulp crime novel.

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Freaky Friday: X-Ray

X-Ray (1981)

“Love hurts, love scars. Love wounds and marks any heart,” as Nazareth once sang, or the Everly Brothers, if you’re old school. Yes, love can take its toll on anyone, and in the case of X-Ray aka Hospital Massacre aka Or Else aka Ward 13 aka Be My Valentine, it’s a body toll.

I’m surprised there aren’t more horror Valentine’s Day movies. Hell, I’m surprised there aren’t more Valentine’s Day movies in general. A day where people are pressured to express one of the most powerful emotions by any means necessary feels like the perfect impetus for any kind of movie, whether it’s a rom-com or a slasher.

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John’s Top Ten Horny Movies

Last July, when I drafted a whole slate of “horny” movies for our annual Criterion Movie Draft, I came up with the idea to later post my own personal “Top 10 Horny Movies” list for the blog. “Like Porky’s–peering-through-a-glory-hole horny?” No. I mean erotic movies, it’s just funnier to say horny.

My prerequisites for this list are:

1. Does horniness drive the plot?

2. Are there sexy scenes and/or nudity?

3. Are the leads hot?

Of course, prerequisite 3 is subjective. It’s like that debate on The Office where everyone argues about whether Hilary Swank is hot or not. Who’s to say?

I haven’t seen every notable horny film ever made, but I know what I like, and, to be honest, it’s been a while since I’ve seen anything that’s come close to cracking this top ten. So let’s pour a glass of champagne, pop open a fresh tube of K-Y Jelly, and dive in.

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Obsessong: Didn’t I (Blow Your Mind this Time)

A few weeks ago, I was putting together a Valentine’s playlist on Spotify for my partner. The theme was sexy songs of the ’70s, you know, Barry White, Al Green, Marvin Gaye, the usual suspects. But what was my first thought as I started adding songs? “Well, I gotta lead it off with the Delfonics.”

Led by singer and songwriter William “Poogie” Hart, alongside his brother Wilbert and Randy Cain, the Delfonics worked closely with Philly soul architect Thom Bell to craft the most elegant and emotionally devastating soul music of the era. Their run of hits; “La-La (Means I Love You),” “Ready or Not Here I Come (Can’t Hide from Love),” and, “Didn’t I (Blow Your Mind This Time)” are all bonafide classics. But when it came to my playlist, only one song came out on top.

Song: “Didn’t I (Blow Your Mind this Time?)
Album: The Delfonics
Year: 1970
Written by: Thom Bell and William Hart

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