Season 3, Episode 4
Original Air Date: October 15, 1995
When John suggested we do another year of TV specials for Shocktober in honor of I Saw the TV Glow, I went straight to Wikipedia’s incredibly thorough list and started looking for any shows that were on my radar. The one that stood out the most was Lois & Clark: The New Adventures of Superman, probably the most significant piece of Superman media left that I still know nothing about. Aside from this show’s modern reboot, Superman & Lois, I’ve never been that interested in the Man of Steel’s live action TV dramas, his super powers just did not ever seem conducive to television’s low budgets. But I did have some knowledge of Smallville and the Arrowverse content and I even read up on George Reeves’ Adventures of Superman back when Hollywoodland came out. It’s just this Dean Cain/Teri Hatcher thing that I remained totally ignorant of.
For instance, I thought, like Superman & Lois, that Lois & Clark was about Superman and Lois already being a couple. It turns out, this show starts at the very beginning, with Clark Kent first coming to Metropolis and meeting Lois Lane in the pilot episode. It wasn’t until the end of season two that Lois revealed to Clark that she knew his secret identity and this episode picks up in the fallout of that revelation. The intrepid reporters are in a lovers quarrel over whether they should stay together or not because being a couple puts Lois in danger. Lois argues she naturally gets into life or death situations on her own while Clark feels like it would be his responsibility to keep her safe. It’s a pretty dumb argument that apparently is a very minor part of the overall show, so I guess I’m pretty lucky at picking the very few episodes of shows where the main characters are in a fight.
That said, this does start with a very cute scene where Clark (Dean Cain) and Lois (Teri Hatcher) are driving to The Daily Planet’s bachelor/bachelorette auction. Those really were all the rage in the Nineties, huh? Do bachelor auctions still happen? Anyway, the couple are arguing about their relationship and when they arrive, Clark has trouble parallel parking so Lois heads in on her own. A frustrated Clark gets out of the car, make sure no one is looking, and uses his super strength to slide his car in place, walking a way with a smug smile. Great gag, I like this. Meanwhile, Lois gets inside just in time for a masked burglar to throw a smoke bomb that knocks everyone out. Clark rushes in and saves everyone by inhaling all the gas and then blowing it up the chimney. He makes sure Lois is all right while another woman yells “the Scepter of Claudius has been stolen! Claudius, the Roman emperor. It’s worth over a million dollars!” Looks like a mystery’s afoot!
Perty White (Lane Smith, otherwise best known in these parts as the DA from My Cousin Vinny) decides to resume the auction at the office and Lois, frustrated with Clark, puts herself up for auction. It looks like Clark is going to win until he’s massively outbid by an unseen stranger: Patrick Sullivan (Julian Stone), an old college friend of Lois’ who just so happened recently came to Metropolis on business. I’ll skip ahead a little bit and just tell you what should be painfully obvious: Sullivan is the burglar. What’s surprising is what he’s up to: Sullivan is looking for ancient Druid artifacts that the Romans stole and repurposed as jewelry that’s ended up in museums around Metropolis. In particular, Sullivan uses women as human sacrifices to help him accomplish his ultimate goal of putting two special emeralds into the eye holes of a mask that will give him eye laser powers. Unfortunately for him, Superman also has eye lasers and his are stronger. Superman blasts Sullivan in the eyes and he explodes in a puff of green smoke! Hell yeah Supes, merc that fool! In the end, Superman tells Lois he would rather be with her than not but a frustrated Lois isn’t convinced of his sincerity and the episode ends with them stoically heartbroken on opposite sides of her door.
This campy and perfectly fine but should not be on the list of Halloween specials, Wikipedia. Do better. For one, it’s not even the episode that aired closest to Halloween this season, that would be “Just Say Noah” which was on a week later on October 22. But also, is this just on here because of the Druid stuff? I guess there probably isn’t a lot of human sacrifice that happens on this show, but surely the bar for Halloween special has to be higher than “vaguely spooky themes and aired in October,” right? Or is it too much to complain about this, seeing as holiday specials are basically extinct now that shows are only like eight episodes on and don’t even know when in the year they’ll come out? This definitely was a product of a simpler time, what with the bachelor auction and so much time dedicated to old fashioned newspaper reporting. I didn’t even mention how the museum curator was a hot lady with an annoying voice (Ilana Levine) ala Janice from Friends! The dream of the Nineties is alive in Metropolis.