Best known as the iconic steel-toothed “Jaws” from the Bond films The Spy Who Loved Me and Moonraker Richard Kiel may be the most famous 7’2″ actor to ever grace the screen. An advantage that gave him countless roles as various thugs and monsters it will always be this particular film that will stand as his most infamous. The film is Eegah and it’s the harrowing tale of an eon old caveman that terrorizes teens in the California desert. It’s got a heartbreaking love story, suspense, action, even a little crooning, so it has something for everyone!
Our film begins when hip teen Roxy Miller (Marilyn Manning) is driving to a party through the California desert. Roxy stops by a gas station where were introduced to her fugly, geetar strummin’, sweetheart Tom (Arch Hall Jr. the director’s son.) Sadly Tom has to wait until his shift is over to go the party but he fondly passes the time by telling gas station customers about his swell girl Roxy “That’s my girl, her father is Robert I. Miller. You should see her swim, she lives up at the club!” I’m sure that customer was really impressed.
But we all know you shouldn’t drive through the desert at night because wuh oh! There’s giant cavemen living out there! Luckily or unluckily Roxy escapes from a caveman attack and hurries back to her sweetheart and father Robert I. Miller (Arch Hall Sr.) who writes “Adventure Books” whatever those are. So instead of reporting it to the police Richard I. Miller decides to head out the next day and look for the caveman because he writes adventure books. Heading out in his explorer gear (pith helmet included) Richard somehow stumbles upon the caveman and is knocked unconscious by being lightly pushed over into sand.
Meanwhile Tom serenades Roxy by a pool in a musical segment that would make the Everly Brothers vomit with rage. The song is called “Vicki” but I guess his girlfriend “ROXY” likes it anyway. After this painfully ear shattering ordeal Tom and Roxy go to find their father in the desert in Tom’s dune buggy. Though Tom is apparently “all about” this dune buggy as they spend about two to three minutes joyriding to 60s guitar music. This is where I first notice how much dialogue and sound in general must of been recorded much later because the additional sound rarely synchs up well and never matches the same room tone.
So time flies, they worry about the whereabouts of Richard, Tom sings another song about “Vitamins” and “Galleries” or something and then boom! Roxy is attacked by the caveman and taken back to his cave. This is where we really get to know Eegah the forever grumbling and bumbling giant who actually has a heart. Here we are as well reunited with a Richard. Dead bodies surround the walls of the cave which Richard has learned are Eegah’s relatives. How he knows this I have no idea as Eegah really can’t say anything but “Eegah!” Richard also says “Eegah” is his name cause that’s all he can say, kind of like a Pokemon. Oh yeah and Eegah has survived for centuries by drinking sulfur water. Wow, Richard sure learned a lot while being held captive by a caveman who doesn’t speak english.
Seeing how much time I’ve spent on the plot let me try and wrap this up. Basically it’s your typical “Teens terrorized by a monster” movie with lots of running, yelling, and pointless filler. Characters are incredibly stupid, they faint constantly, and never seem to have anything important or interesting to say. Eegah has it’s funny moments but the filler scenes just make me cringe. Fortunately there’s a very funny Mystery Science Theater 3000 that makes this film remotely watchable, check it and you’ll have a gay old time.