Shocktober: Day 3

The Robot vs. The Aztec Mummy (1957)

Have you ever seen a movie where you had no recollection of seeing it right after watching it? That’s what happened to me after watching The Robot vs. The Aztec Mummy an incredibly dry b-movie from Mexico. I wasn’t lying when I said some of these were going to be shorter than others which means today is one of those lazy days.

The Robot vs. The Aztec Mummy aka The Aztec Mummy Against the Humanoid Robot aka La mom azteca el robot humano is about a scientist that builds a robot to steal an Aztec treasure from a tomb guarded by an ancient mummy. I know, that sounds awesome right? WRONG! This film is so, so boring and I made the mistake of watching it a year ago, so I’m sorry to say… I’ve practically forgotten everything. So why even review it? Well I couldn’t find a film quickly enough to replace it. Some of these I watch far in advance so later they can sometimes become painful, blurred memories.

The few things I can recall is the annoying amount of flashbacks detailing the Aztec’s rituals, annoying narration/poor additional audio recording and the fact the mummy in this film looks SO BAD. So I’m gonna call it here but don’t worry I got a good one tomorrow.

Here’s a fear-tastic trailer of today’s film!

Shocktober: Day 2

Bride of the Monster (1955)

You just can’t do a bad movie retrospective without some mention of the legendary Edward D. Wood Jr. Famously known as “The World’s Worst Director” though I think that could be debated today, cough Uwe Boll, cough, cough, but there’s something special about Wood’s movies much in the way that a child is special.

Bride of the Monster is more or less your typical cliche b-movie. Dr Eric Vornoff (Bela Lugosi in his last speaking role) is experimenting with atomic energy along with his mute assistant Lobo, (Swedish wrestler Tor Johnson) to create a race of “Atomic Supermen” to take over the world. So a handful of really boring supporting characters investigate Vornoff’s mansion, which is of course guarded by a giant octopus and what follows is a series of laughable conversations and unintentionally awkward effects. Of course it’s all excellently “chronicled” in the 1994 Tim Burton film Ed Wood, probably my favorite movie about making movies.

Though what’s really puzzling is “Where is the monster?” Is it Vornoff? Is it Lobo? Is it the octopus? Knowing that Ed Wood often came up with the titles of his films before the actual idea I’m sure there is no clear cut answer. Out of all the Wood films I’ve seen this is probably my favorite just for Lugosi and the cheesiness oozing out of every pore of his villainous visage. It also has one of the best/worst man vs. octopus fights ever captured on film. If that’s not some worth applause I don’t know what is.

And below is one of the lamest/greatest b-movie endings of all time.

I’m Not With You

Red Hot Chili Peppers – I’m With You

Have I outgrown the Red Hot Chili Peppers, or have they just failed to outgrow themselves? That’s really the question I keep asking myself when I listen to this album, and it’s probably a little bit of both. I really just haven’t gotten much joy out of listening to the latest release from the Chili Peppers, which sucks since you know, they’ve usually been the kind of band that you could always rely on for a good time.

Of course the biggest difference between I’m With You and the last three RHCP albums is that it doesn’t feature the melodic guitar work and soaring back-up vocals of John Frusciante. In his place is…some guy, I’m not gonna go to the trouble of looking up his name, but the point is that he’s not John Frusciante. Sure, he’s got the chops to hang with such accomplished musicians as Flea and Chad Smith, but he just doesn’t have any of the heart and soul that Frusciante had. Then again, maybe this album would’ve been just as middling had Frusciante stayed with the band, since the album features a lot of the same mid-tempo jam-like material that the Chili Peppers were throwing down when he was in the band.

Still, one thing about I’m With You is that it does features some of those moments where the Chili’s just bust into some anthemic chorus, like on “Brendan’s Death Song” or “The Adventures Of Rain Dance Maggie”. Those moments are nice, and remind you of why these guys have stayed popular for so long, but there’s just way too many tired punk-funk jams which aren’t being done any favors by Anthony Keidis’s reliably ridiculous lyrics.

Unlike most music snobs, I have a special place in my heart for the Red Hot Chili Peppers, since they were really the only band I can remember liking from elementary school all the way up until high school. But sorry guys, maybe it’s about time you hang up the tube socks and call it a day.

Favorite Tracks: “Monarchy Of Roses”, “Brendan’s Death Song”, “The Adventures Of Rain Dance Maggie”

September Girls

Girls – Father, Son, Holy Ghost

Sorry to interrupt Shlocktober at such an early state, but there’s a couple of posts I need to get out of the way.

So far this year, there’ve been quite a few releases from bands that I’ve really liked in the past, but it seems like most of them have been at least a little disappointing. So it’s nice that SF band Girls has put out a darker and weirder, but nonetheless satisfying follow-up to their 2009 debut, one of my favorite albums of that year.

In this day and age, nostalgia can get you pretty far just as long as you know how to milk it in all the right ways. Girls is a great example of this, as their music is pretty firmly entrenched in the poppy sounds of the sixties and seventies. However, this time around they don’t just limit themselves to the sunshine surf rock of their first album, although that sound is certainly apparent in the bouncy optimism of “Honey Bunny”. But on Father, Son, Holy Ghost, there’s a surprisingly grandiose quality to the Sabbath-like riffage on “Die”, or “Vomit”, which kind of reminds me of Pink Floyd’s more arena-bound material.

Really, there is no one defining sound on Father, Son, Holy Ghost, and though I guess that kind of inconsistency might be off-putting to some, I think that’s what makes it a really fun album. Plus through all the different mood swings you’ve got the always welcome presence of singer/songwriter Chrisopher Owens. He’s really one of the most endearing indie frontmen I can think of, since his voice has this very soft and vulnerable sound to it and he never seems afraid to bear his soul, which makes it that much easier to get caught up in the joy as well as the sorrow of Girls’ music.

Favorite Tracks: “Honey Bunny”, “Saying I Love You”, “Love Like A River”

Shocktober: Day 1

Robot Monster (1953)

Here it is in all it’s glory the sci-fi triumph of the silver screen Robot Monster! If you’ve ever read my past Shocktober entries then you may of remember that I reviewed this a year or two ago, but let’s recap anyways. Robot Monster was one of many in the “Atomic Shit” as I like to call it, craze of the 1950s. Ya know movies about giant insects, radiation, alien invaders and whatever. It was a golden age for b-movies and from it we got some of the greatest, some of the worst, and some of the most memorable “so bad they are good” flicks like Robot Monster.

Written and directed by Phil Tucker who was only in his early 20s at the time, Robot Monster was shot on a minuscule budget in an outstandingly quick four day session. Even with the results I think that shows some great initiative and effort. I like to think that at least every film ever made at least deserves a half star just for the fact that it was finished, but enough of that, let’s get down to the shit.

The brilliant premise follows the evil alien “Ro-Man”, who I guess is also a robot, and his one man invasion of Earth. We pick up the story after Ro-Man has apparently killed all but eight people with his death ray. These eight people have somehow become immune to Ro-Man’s death ray and have therefore decided to fight back, even if it takes all the mighty stupidity they have at their disposal.

So that’s fine and dandy but I do have a few queries. First off, why is the supposed “Robot Monster” a guy in a gorilla costume with a space helmet? What is he the lost member of the Banana Splits? He’s supposed to be some fearless, emotionless, destroyer yet he’s a complete joke, not to mention how easily distracted he is by women. So you’re telling me this guy destroyed everyone else on Earth? Everyone in this movie is a complete moron yet they are all that’s left?

Adding to the already immense shit foundation this film is built on, the dialogue is juvenile and laughable in the saddest way and the flow of the film is always flat. On the other hand R.M has gained somewhat of a cult following for appearing on Mystery Science Theater 3000, so at least it has that going for it. I hope this didn’t annoy or sadden you too much cause we still got 30 days left.

Welcome to Shlocktober

I can’t believe it’s already that time of year again! Naturally part of me is excited but also a little overwhelmed at all the posts I’ll have to write to keep up with all 31 days of “Shocktober”. For those unfamiliar with this theme I’ll be reviewing 31 horror movies in 31 days, although this year has a special twist. This year I’ll be reviewing 31 bad horror movies, so in a way you could say it’s more like “Shlocktober”. I’ll still be doing a few other posts non-related to the bad movie theme but for the most part it’ll be 31 posts of me bitching and whining about putting myself through some real horror. I’ll be starting from the 50s (hard to find stuff as bad before this period) to modern day and review whatever crappy horror movies I’ve seen. The reviews will vary in length to long analysis’ to very short (possibly one sentence) summaries. So grab your pumpkin pail and put your masks on it’s time to celebrate Shocktober!