E3 2011

The Electronic Entertainment Expo has come and gone once again. The convention is always a mess to cover for the organizations who actually have people there, for a civilian like myself, it’s damn near impossible. So I’ll just tell you about what I’ve gleamed so far.

The biggest news of the show was the announcement of the Wii U, Nintendo’s Wii successor. They said they would be debuting the console at E3 a while ago, and most of the rumors surrounding the new system seem to be true. It is an HD system, probably more powerful than the PS3 and 360. It works with Wii games and all Wii peripherals. Additionally, the console will work with one new controller which everyone is calling the WiiPad. It basically brings DS functionality to home entertainment, giving you a big touch screen as well as all the necessary buttons. The screen has all sorts of sensors, including one for WiiMotes, so you could, for example, set the WiiPad on the floor and swing a WiiMote over it to simulate hitting a golf ball off a tee. It seems pretty cool but it’s obviously still very far off, as Nintendo didn’t have any real games to show. Also, Wii U is the worst name since Wii.

Sony also has a new system coming out this year, the NGP, which has been renamed PlayStation Vita. Vita games look a lot like console games so far, which is probably what Sony is going for. The biggest bombshell on this front was that the base model of the Vita would cost $250, the same price as the 3DS, which has not been doing amazingly well. Sony must think they’ve got a real shot at taking a chunk of the handheld market and I don’t blame them. Of course, the Vita will also have functionality with PS3s, so it will be interesting if Sony tries to get a head start on Wii U-style gaming before Nintendo gets their new system out.

The game everyone’s talking about is Bioshock Infinite, of which we still only have gotten to see choice segments. I’d really like to see how the game plays, but it obviously is going to be extraordinary. I remember the hype for the first Bioshock being pretty crazy, but this sequel has taken that into the stratosphere. It’s a shame it’s so far off.

Bioware seems to be having a strong show, showing off a bunch of Mass Effect 3 and Star Wars The Old Republic, probably the two games I’m looking forward to the most right now. What they showed of Mass Effect 3 makes the shooter gameplay look better than ever. I’m not sure how I feel about the OmniTool being a weapon, but whatever. TOR is looking great too, the GUI has been drastically improved since the last time they showed it and the game looks pretty good. They say they’re hoping to get it out this year. My biggest concern is that the combat doesn’t look that interesting yet, especially compared to a Dragon Age II. But we’ve seen so little of these two games it’s still hard to tell.

Ubisoft showed off the new Assassin’s Creed game, I think it’s subtitle is Revelations. It looks cool, but I’m worried it’s a little worn out. I mean, Ezio looks old as hell. When I played Assassin’s Creed II, I had no idea we’d be getting two more Ezio games, and that worries me a little. But then I remember that Brotherhood was great and probably shouldn’t worry.

We got to see some more Uncharted 3: Drake’s Deception and God damn, that game looks great. I don’t think I really need to belabor this point.

Now that Bungie has left the Halo franchise we’re getting a bunch of new Halo games. For starters, the original Halo is being rereleased. What’s cool about that is that the game runs on the original engine and you can even turn off the new graphics and play with the original ones. So I’m guessing that means unlimited grenades and all that goodness is back. Also, there’s going to be a Halo 4, which will start a whole new trilogy of games. That’s about all we know about that one, though.

The big pushes are still towards 3D, PlayStation Move, Kinect and the 3DS, none of which I own. There are also plenty of great games out there worth you investigating, I just touched on the biggest games that mean the most to me. For example, Modern Warfare 3, Battlefield 3, and Far Cry 3 all made a big splash at the show. So go to a real website and find out what’s going on in the world of games!

T3: Fictional Presidents

Just a little thing I was thinking about after learning that Jack Ryan becomes the president eventually in those Tom Clancy books. Who is your favorite fictional president? I bet you can guess mine.

10. Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho – Idiocracy
Here is a president who we can all admire. President Camacho cares about the people. He wants everyone to have a good time. He also thinks plants should be watered with Gatorade. Maybe he’s not a super genius, but he lives in a world where no one is smart. He gets by on charisma and his idea that everything should be fun. That’s pretty cool. Hell, if we lived in the Idiocracy universe, I’d vote for the guy.

9. Gaius Baltar – Battlestar Galactica
Gaius Baltar was partly responsible for most of humanity dying in a horrific attack by evil robots. While it wasn’t directly his fault, he did a great job of self-preservation that continued to put good people in danger. Plus he takes orders from a woman who only exists in his head. But that didn’t stop him from saying whatever the people wanted to hear and getting elected. What did he do with his presidency? It looks like he mainly slept with beautiful women, then surrendered to the Cylons. That’s pretty pathetic, but kind of awesome too, don’t you think?

8. James Dale – Mars Attacks!
President Dale had no real effect on the events of Mars Attacks! – he mainly just delivered jokes. Which was fine with me, since most of them were pretty funny. Jack Nicholson makes for a pretty good president, especially in a world as crazy as the one in this movie. I love his portrayal of a man who is mostly just a politician, not the idealistic leader we get with most fictional presidents. Plus, he delivers on a promise the Simpsons made of showing us the president impaled by a flag.

7. Tom Beck – Deep Impact
So there’s this asteroid headed for the earth. It’s going to kill everybody, except for the select few who get to stay in a special shelter. Everyone else gets to die in a terrible firestorm. It takes quite the president to make that seem noble, and fortunately President Beck was that guy. His speech at the end of Deep Impact was sombre and yet rousing, reflective and optimistic. Plus he paved the way for future great African American presidents.

6. Dave Kovic – Dave
When President Bill Mitchell has a stroke, it falls to Dave Kovic, who runs an employment agency and works on the side as a Mitchell-lookalike, to run the country. Dave flounders at first, but then single-handedly balances the national budget, vastly improves his popularity with voters and even reinvigorates his romance with the First Lady. It’s these kind of down-to-earth values and fiscal responsibility that most Americans look for in a president, and proof why we’d never actually get one like him.

5. Andrew Shepherd – The American President
President Shepherd is kind of the prototype for Jed Bartlet, in that he is a popular, liberal president who must deal with a conservative congress. In the beginning of the film, Shepherd is a widower and clearly has lost the drive that got him elected in the first place. Thanks to falling in love, however, by the end of the movie he is delivering terrific speeches and leading the country in the direction everyone wants it to go. I think the “least presidential thing I’ve ever done” speech is what clenches it for me.

4. Thomas J. Whitmore – Independence Day
When you think about it, Whitmore was kind of a shitty president. He didn’t seem to really know what was going on, nor did he take the right advice when he should have. He didn’t even know Area 51 existed, the fool! Then, when the country needed his leadership most, he stepped up and gave a rousing speech about how Independence Day was now an international holiday. Then he hopped in a plane and lead the charge himself. How about that?

3. James Marshall – Air Force One
Now here is a president whose administration we know nothing about. We don’t need to know anything about it, either. All we need to know is that in a world full of pathetic, sniveling bureaucrats, President Marshall is a guy who takes things into his own hands. Instead of escaping Air Force One when it is taken over by terrorists, this guy jettisons the pod and starts taking out terrorists one at a time. “Get off my plane,” he says. That’s right up there with “Ask not what you can do for country…”

2. David Palmer – 24
We don’t really know that much about the Palmer presidency. We know he was very popular and the first African American elected to that office. But what his domestic policies were like is anyone’s guess. What we do know is that the man was an amazing decision maker and extremely capable under pressure. He became the go-to guy for dealing with terrorism in the United States. With Palmer calling the shots and Jack Bauer on the front lines, America was never safer. In fact, Palmer was such a beloved TV president, some people attribute part of President Obama’s success to the character.

1. Josiah Bartlet – The West Wing
The West Wing gave us two full terms of Bartlet, and man, I wish we could have given that guy a third one. Bartlet is liberal, but he is also deeply religious and resolute. He didn’t serve in the military, but he capably uses force when necessary. He is among the most intelligent and eloquent characters I’ve ever seen. In eight seasons, he reinvigorated the Supreme Court, made peace in the Middle East, helped make college more affordable and raised the level of political discourse. Jed Bartlet is the real deal, I mean, he can even speak Latin! Four more years!

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Tron: Legacy

Ever looked at a computer motherboard? It’s neat how all the conductors, circuits, wiring, and batteries all come together to such a beautiful array. Oh and the forest green tint of the board itself, not even fire engine red is that attractive. All in all, computer hardware looks pretty nifty. Tron: Legacy is very similar to computer hardware, it looks cool, but, the average blog reader doesn’t know how all the components come together or what’s really going on.

As I begin to squire on about this movie, I mine as well explain the title: it’s “Tron” in binary code. The original film came out quite some time ago, like 29 years. Jeff Bridges starred as some computer programmer dude who invented some system and then this company called Encom stole it from him and he needed to become digital to prove that he was the one who invented it in the first place. At least, that is what Wikipedia tells me. Tron: Legacy takes place years after the original. The son of Jeff Bridges ends up in the computer and needs to battle his father who he also has teamed up with. That’s right, this movie has two Jeff Bridges; one the original that has been stuck in the computer deemed a ‘user’ (protagonist), the other an evil set of software that is trying to take over the mainframe (antagonist). The movie follows Jeff Bridges and his son, we’ll call him exhibit A, battling Jeff Bridges and his goons (software). A note of caution, the plot makes no sense; all I could tell is that Jeff Bridges battles himself. Really, that is it; maybe I should have watched the

first Tron before seeing the sequel.

As I eluded with the computer simile, the only goal a person seeing Tron: Legacy is to enjoy all the special effects and battle scenes, not the plot. Kind of opposite of The Notebook. However, even on the graphic front, the film doesn’t do well. It is shot using ‘Real 3d” which at this point I have decided as a scam. This technology makes us, the money machine, wear stupid and uncomfortable polarized glasses for hours, when the added ‘3d feel’ does nothing for the movie. Most of the scenes didn’t even seem like they were in 3d, just really clear 2d. All recent film shot in 3d I deem unworthy and a nuisance to imax 3d. Want to see what excellent 3d technology is? Find Beowulf playing in Imax 3d somewhere, that is incredible. Back to Tron, despite a pitiful attempt at 3d, the film provides a few visually pleasing scenes and it is interesting to see how a few guys depicted what the inside of computer software looks like. Go out and see Tron if you want an action movie with some cool visual effects, but stop there. Don’t expect a good story: especially if you haven’t seen the first Tron.

Family Circuital

My Morning Jacket – Circuital

How is it we’ve only had six My Morning Jacket albums? They’ve gone so far, I’m amazed this is that same band that put out their first few albums. And of course, they aren’t. Band members have come and gone and the group’s ambitions have grown out of control. Circuital sees My Morning Jacket pushing on with what they were trying with Evil Urges, that is to say an attempt to make all kinds of music at the same time.

While I miss the obvious rockers of days past (there’s no “I’m Amazed” this time) Circuital is better for it. It is a more consistent album that gives the band room for their lofty ambitions. And their lofty sound too. Everything sounds pretty big on this album, like it was recorded on some sprawling stage, which helps with a group that is known for their live shows. For the “Highly Suspicious” crowd, you’ll be happy to know the band’s sense of humor is still present, although no lyric is as ridiculous as “peanut butter pudding surprise.”

It takes a while to process a new My Morning Jacket album. My favorite Evil Urges tracks didn’t even really stand out to me until months after I picked it up. What can I say with certainty? It’s not a bad album by any stretch. I really wish I could hear it live, watching the recent Jimmy Fallon performances had made that clear. This isn’t the band I fell in love with when I listened to At Dawn watching a Seattle morning from a train. They’ve gone so much further since then. And at the same time, they’re everything I loved about them that first time. I guess things just come around like that.

Favorite Tracks: “Circuital,” “Outta My System,” “Holdin’ On to Black Metal”

Antlers in My Pantlers

The Antlers – Burst Apart

Fleet Foxes’ reign as my go to album was cut tragically short by a series of late-May releases. You’ve already heard about the latest from Death Cab and we’ll be talking about My Morning Jacket soon enough, for now, let’s take a moment to talk about Burst Apart, the latest from the Antlers.

2009’s Hospice was an amazing album, in fact it was among my top ten for the whole year. But it was easily the most depressing album on that list. Burst Apart is not quite so heavy, weighing down on you more like the way maybe a Radiohead album would. Which is a pleasant change of pace considering the last album was about cancer, impotence and unwanted pregnancy.

The Radiohead comparison is particularly apt, as this latest release definitely has been influenced by the post-O.K. Computer band. I don’t know how you could listen to a song like “Parentheses” and not think so. But this is not mere emulation, the album is unmistakably Antlers and everything that I liked about Hospice is still present. Just more evolved.

I beg you guys take a look at this one. Listen to “Every Night My Teeth are Falling Out,” probably my favorite track of the whole album. If you like it, imagine getting ten times that. That what’s Burst Apart is; a truly consistent and terrific album. It’s one of those great collections of songs that just washes over you. Right now, this is my favorite album of the year.

Favorite Tracks: “I Don’t Want Love,” “Every Night My Teeth are Falling Out,” “Putting the Dog to Sleep”

Highly Devolved

The Vines – Future Primitive

There are few bands that I’ve once liked and then just plain given up on. Jet, once one of my favorite groups have been on the fast track to “I don’t give a shit city” along with Kings of Leon who now look like a bunch of bored GAP models. Rooney is the only band that immediately comes to mind that I completely gave up on. I loved their debut but never finished their subpar sophomore release and I just can’t support a band that tours in support of Fergie and the Jonas Brothers.

The Vines are barely hanging in there but I don’t why I haven’t just cut ’em loose. I guess it’s because I loved Winning Days, so much so that I still pray they’ll someday reignite the spark they once had. It’s as if ever since founding bassist Patrick Matthews left everything has been going down hill, maybe he was smart to get out when he did. Where The Vines’ music should be maturing on their fifth album it’s somehow doing the exact opposite. This once exciting band has entered a downward spiral of devolution where the songs are getting shorter, simpler, and tragically less inspired. If they’d started out sounding like this I don’t think they ever would have received a recording contract, but for some unknown reason they just keeping pumping out the same old lazy shit.

What happened to the Craig Nicholls that would shout “Fuck the world!” at the top of his lungs while flailing all over the place and having a mental breakdown on Letterman. Not that I miss his annoying recklessness as a performer but I miss the manic edge he once carried with him into the studio. Nicholl’s energy on the first two albums felt raw and real but now when he tries to act crazy it just feels phony. Maybe it’s because he’s mellowed out, less drugs? I don’t know but his music has suffered and if this is the road the band is going to continue down maybe they should just hang it up.

What else is there to say? The songs are boring and sound like Nicholl’s crapped them all out in about ten minutes. The production is quite good but I crave for more substance, something to sink my teeth into. I remember being mildly disappointed with The Vines third album but compared to this that album was great. At this point I’d say chances are good I won’t be reviewing this band’s next album.

Favorite Tracks: None…

Sex Men: First Ass

X-Men: First Class

(Spoilers Ahead)
You see what I did there with the title? Eh, you like that? Just like a porno huh? So how exactly does a Joe Pinchpenny like myself end up seeing a movie called X-Men: First Class anyways? Well for starters, I love the X-Men. It’s the first comic series I ever really fell in love with (mostly the early 80s series/Kitty Pryde years) so they certainly have a place very close to my heart. Secondly, I’ve already seen just about every other Marvel Movie ever made so why stop now?

I’m not really sure how your average non-comic book reading moviegoer would respond to the X-Men film series as whole, but for myself it’s been a complete canonical/chronological nightmare. I mean I like the first two, hell I even liked the overblown third installment, but now with all these prequels thrown into the mix this series has more or less become a big middle finger to the canon of the comic series. Even if there wasn’t a comic series and it was just these movies, they’re simply getting harder and harder to connect as a continuos franchise. Though before I jump into a nerdy nitpicking rage, let me tell you that from a casual filmgoing mindset, this is a mindless but entertaining summer romp. As an adaptation of a legendary comic series, this movie is a complete mess.

So it all starts off with a flashback to a 1940s war-torn Poland where we once again see a young Erik “Magneto” Lensherr being separated from his parents by nazi soliders. I say once again because this is exactly how the first film started. Yes even down to Magneto bending the gates, seriously? I mean they couldn’t think of anything else? They all ready fucking did that! Meanwhile we see a much better off Charles Xavier as he meets a young Mystique after she’s broken into his childhood mansion. So Charles and Mystique met as kids by a complete coincidence? Since when was Mystique the same age as Charles? They explain later that her power makes her age slower, but I think that’s just a bunch of shit they pulled out of their ass. Face it, they just needed as many recognizable characters as they could think of. Later we cut back to a young Magneto being tormented by Nazi Kevin Bacon to show off his mutant abilities with little success, this leads to the unfortunate execution of Magneto’s mum, damn you Kevin Bacon! Not only is he guilty of being a jerk but he really hams it up… Did I just say Kevin “Bacon”, “Hams” it up? Is anyone getting hungry?

Skipping ahead to the film’s modern setting of 1962, we are introduced to CIA agent Moira McTaggert (Rose Byrne) investigating the mysterious Hellfire Club in Vegas. Though if my memory serves me right Moira MacTaggert was not only NOT a CIA agent in the comics but in fact a Scottish scientist who studied genetic mutation to aid mutants. So she infiltrates the club to not only discover the Hellfire Club (led by Kevin Bacon under the name of Sebastian Shaw) are organizing a devious plan with those pesky Russkies, but that the Hellfire Club are also mutants which most people are unaware of at this time.

“Wait a minute, my nerd sense is tingling?” I’m fairly familiar with Sebastian Shaw and the Hellfire Club in the comics and I don’t recall Shaw ever being a former Nazi who could control his own aging. Maybe you can justify the aging thing seeing that Shaw could control energy, but a Nazi? And the Hellfire Club were really more of a cultish secret society than a a group of Bond villain wannabes. Their shtick was more geared towards dressing up like Victorian douchebags and using their elite connections to influence the world around them. Not to mention this movie only managed to get two actual Hellfire club members right in Shaw and the White Queen (January Jones). I mean I wasn’t expecting to see Mastermind (even though he’s arguably their most interesting member) as they already had a similar character in X2, remember Stryker’s son? That guy was more or less based off of Mastermind. So instead we get Shaw, White Queen aka Emma Frost, some guy who creates tornados who I’m not familiar with, and Nightcrawler’s dad? That’s the best they could come up with? Have they ever actually read an X-Men comic?

So to better understand these “mutants” MacTaggert is sent to Oxford to meet Charles Xavier: the leading expert in mutation… Even though he’s just graduated from College. Not long after they meet, MacTaggert discovers that Charles and Mystique (who’s been bumming around England with Charles) are in fact also mutants, so they all decide to work together to stop the Hellfire Club. Meanwhile Magneto has been killing old nazi dudes until his path eventually crosses with Charles in the middle of a scuffle between the Hellfire club and the CIA (naturally Magneto is seeking revenge on Shaw.) Charles invites Magneto to join him and after he reluctantly accepts they start putting together a squad. So they use Cerebro, ya know, that giant computer thing in the other X-Men movies (except now it’s been built by a pre-blue haired Hank “Beast” McCoy and Agent Oliver Platt) to track down other mutants. This leads to an across the globe mutant finding montage that even includes a cameo from Hugh “Wolverine” Jackman where he drops the F-bomb… Easily the best scene in the whole movie, I love Hugh Jackman.

The team is eventually assembled and our new X-Men are!!! (Drum Roll) Banshee, except he’s no longer Irish even though that was basically the most important thing about his character in the comics. I mean where do Banshees even come from? Irish mythology!!! God damn it, what does this movie have against Celtic culture? Then they have Havok who was Cyclops’ little brother in the comics, so I’m not even going to attempt to comprehend that mess. There’s Beast, probably the only decision that makes sense; Charles, Magneto, Mystique and then two other bullshit characters I’ve never heard of; evolving black guy and bug lady. I have little to no interest in learning about any post 90s X-Men characters.

So the characters all mingle and despite the fact that practically none of them should be in the same movie together, they’re all fairly likable and ably performed by their respective actors. This is also probably the first time I’ve ever liked James Macavoy and Michael Fassbender certainly has a powerful screen presence, though this Magneto is a total, unlikable, prick. Remember Ian McKellen’s Magneto? There was a charmer with some class, I simply cannot believe this brutish prick becomes that classy Shakespearian supervillian. Back to the Hellfire Club we’ve discovered that Shaw has created a helmet so that Charles can no longer read his mind. Yes, this is the helmet Magneto will later don, I’m pretty sure it wasn’t Shaw that created it but what, now I’m talking about the origin of a helmet? Anyways, he takes his club along with his fancy new helmet and heads down to CIA headquarters to start a little mischief.

The new or first X-Men squad is still hanging out around the CIA when the Hellfire club attacks and attack they do! Shaw, Tornado guy, and Nightcrawler’s dad basically kill every single agent at the CIA (Oliver Platt included) in an attempt to reach the X-Men and hopefully recruit them. When they finally reach them they actually manage to convince bug lady (also Lenny Kravitz daughter) to join them and then kill evolving black guy. I was like “Hell yeah!” cause they just managed to limit the screen time of the two least legitimate X-Men characters in just once scene, but poor X-men cause they’re all sad now.

With tensions rising in the US and the Russians/Hellfire Club’s nuclear attack imminent (The Hellfire club wants everybody dead so only the mutants will survive by the way) Charles decides to get his shit in order and train the team at his boyhood mansion. What follows is a fancy shmancy training montage intercut with an advancing romance between Beast and Mystique. You see Beast likes Mystique but thinks they’d both be better off if they tried this experimental serum to change their physical appearances. Beast is all sad because he has big, hairy, monkey feet but is it really that big a deal? The CIA didn’t even know Beast was a mutant until Charles outed him, it’s not like his mutation is even that noticeable, but because you knew it was gonna happen he takes the serum. What happens? He turns into a big, blue, furry cat person. Nice job dipshit, I thought you were a genius? Though with so many other plot threads going on this is just kind of brushed aside, he’s like “It sucks but I’ll deal with it.”

So they all get their shit together and head out to do battle over sea against the Hellfire Club and right between a bunch of Russian and American warships. For the most part, this battle is pretty darn cool. The effects are fantastic and I never get tired of watching Nightcrawler’s dad teleporting while fighting, maybe his inclusion wasn’t so bad anyways. Nothing particularly surprising happens until a conflict between Charles and Magneto quickly develops. You see Magneto deflects all the mutants from being hit by like a hundred missiles, but instead of sending them away he tries to shoot them right back at the humans. Charles is most definitely not about this and they start to fight. At this point Magneot has stolen Shaw’s helmet so Charles cannot read his mind, so Moira MacTaggert then comes up and tries to distract Magneto by shooting him. This ultimately fails when one of the deflected bullets hits Charles in the spine…. Wait a minute, he’s paralyzed in this movie now? I saw the opening to X-Men: Last Stand and I clearly recall that movie starting with a younger Charles and Magneto and Charles could most definitely walk, plus they were still friends. These movies are now officially impossible to connect with each other, I mean did they even care to watch the others? So the movie ends on a sour note as the mutants have now been split between two factions.

Overall it’s a strange sensation, as a moviegoer I’m like “Yeah that wasn’t bad, it was entertaining enough.” but as a comic book fan I”m like “What a bunch of fucking bullshit!” Though seeing that I believe all movies should be viewed subjectively, regardless of whether or not it’s an adaptation, I’m giving this a mild pass. If I’d never heard of the X-Men before going into this movie, I’d probably have few if any problems with it. It’s just summer fluff and everyone likes some fluff from time to time, but you don’t want to eat too much, cause it’s a good way to get a stomach ache.