The Vault: Crazy Christmas

Frost/Frost

Have you been dreaming of a White Christmas? Are you looking forward to running out into the frozen yard and building a snowman? Better be careful, because that snowman might come to life and be your dad. Or it might come to life and try to kill you. Either way, it’s gonna be about as satisfying as a swift kick to the jingle balls. At least that’s how I felt after watching both the 1998 family-comedy Jack Frost and the 1996 Independent-Horror film also titled Jack Frost.

Amazing that two films with the same title and same concept exist, but with two very different executions. One was made by a major studio with high budget effects and stars and the other? Not so much. Both of these films are terrible but for different reasons. What I’m going to do here is break down each film in a side-by-side comparison. Want to know which film is a bigger hunk of coal? Just keep reading and you shall receive.

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The Vault: Crazy Christmas

Santa with Muscles (1996)

In the early 90s, Hulkamania was everywhere! There were toys, games, a Hulk Hogan-themed pasta restaurant, and of course movies. For whatever reason, the Hulkster found himself in the dismal realm of family comedies. There’s a popular derogatory saying on Mildly Pleased, I believe it’s something like “This shit is for babies.” Which would be my exact response to the insufferable Santa with Muscles.

Blake (Hulk Hogan) is an arrogant bodybuilding millionaire. When he’s not dishing out his popular line of bodybuilding supplements, Blake spends his carefree days running faux espionage missions on his estate and playing paintball in jeeps. One day, while playing an extreme game of paintball, Blake drives recklessly by a dumb police officer (Clint Howard, awesome) who mistakes Blake for an actual gun-wielding criminal. Blake, who always enjoys the “extremer” things in life, stupidly challenges the cops to a high-speed chase. Blake ends up at a mall where he steals a Santa costume and hides out. Then while hanging in a laundry chute, Blake gets hit on the head with a bust of Santa. He falls down the chute and his unconscious body is raided by Bob from That 70s Show who takes his money, I.D., and anything else that could help Blake remember his identity. That’s right, Blake has amnesia and now thinks he’s Santa Claus.

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The Vault: Crazy Christmas

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964)

Watching Santa Claus Conquers the Martians was a miserable experience. It doesn’t matter how many bad B-movies you see, it never gets any easier. Additionally, some of the worst B-movies I’ve ever seen are from the 60s. Perhaps you can blame it in on the rise of independent cinema in the late 50s and early 60s. Suddenly, every Tom, Dick, and Harry thought they could be Cecil B. DeMille. Santa Claus Conquers the Martians can be squarely blamed on former Howdy Doody unit manager Paul Jacobsen who produced and co-wrote the film with $200,000 dollars from private investors. The film was made by an inexperienced cast and crew and shot in a former airplane hangar and it sure looks like it. Santa Claus Conquers the Martians is often considered one of the “Worst Movies Ever Made”.

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians is set in an alternate reality where not only is Santa real, he’s a national celebrity. The story begins with Santa being interviewed live at the North Pole. Unbeknownst to anyone on Earth this television signal is picked up on Mars. The children of the Martian king: Bomar and Girmar become infatuated with the idea of toys, Christmas, and ‘Ol St. Nick and soon grow tired of their strict and tedious life on Mars. Afraid of a Martian child rebellion, Kimar (King of the Martians) seeks advice from the wise Martian Chochem who says Mars needs a Santa Claus of their own to make the children happy. How do you get a Santa Claus? You steal the real one.

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The Vault: Crazy Christmas

Good tidings to you and your kin! It’s Christmastime at Mildly Pleased! This year I present you with a very special gift, make that four gifts. For every week in December I’m going to review a Crazy Christmas-themed movie. Cult classics, B-Movies, and just plain bad movies will make up this years haul. So let’s open the vault and see what treasures lie inside. Will there be silver? Gold? Or just steaming hunks of coal? Either way it’s going to one helluva ride.

The Vault: Wakeboarding Unleashed Featuring Shaun Murray

Wakeboarding Unleashed Featuring Shaun Murray (2003)

Welcome to another edition of the vault, a segment devoted to nostalgia. This week I’ll be reviewing a PS2 game that I’d pined to play for years until I finally buckled down and bought it on Amazon. The game is Wakeboarding Unleashed Featuring Shaun Murray by Activision, the same studio that brought us the beloved Tony Hawk Pro Skater franchise. I’ve always been a big fan of the THPS series and just earlier this year became a fan of another past Activision title Mat Hoffman’s Pro BMX for the PS1. It all goes back years ago when I played a demo of this on a copy of THPS 4. In the demo you could only play one level accompanied by a loop of Molly Hatchet’s “Flirtin’ with Disaster” but man was it fun. Though time went by and somehow I just forgot about it. So now that I’ve finally played through the game does it live it up to my expectations? Totally.

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The Vault: Manhunt

Manhunt (2003)

This week, I decided to revisit a game that always intrigued me but I never gave much of chance back in the day. The game is Rockstar’s Manhunt and it’s an odd one. I have memories of being so excited for this game to come out and then when it did my brother and I pooled our money together and convinced one of my parents to buy it, not that they were ever restrictive of what we played. To

To us, it looked like Grand Theft Auto (I guess there was only three back then) if it was a murderous horror movie and for some reason that got me excited, but not in a creepy way. When I finally did play it I had very mixed feelings. Here I was expecting something like a scary, action-packed sandbox game and what I got was a difficult slow paced stealth game built around levels. I probably played it for no more than a few days before giving up on it entirely and never even beat the first level, but times have changed.

I started playing this again around Halloween and was quickly reminded of why I originally gave this up. This game does try your patience early on and it’s still my opinion that the beginning section is one of the game’s most difficult hurdles. All you want to do is leap out and hack people apart, but that’s not what it’s all about. Manhunt is all about strategy, how you are going to accomplish your kill and how you’re going to avoid being noticed. It’s tough to get into if you’re an impatient person like myself, but if you can you’ll be able to work into a rhythm and appreciate the appeal of a good stealth game.

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The Vault: Mighty Morphin Power Rangers

Mighty Morphin Power Rangers (Super NES)

Released after the eponymous series’ first season, Mighty Morphin Power Rangers came crashing onto the Super NES at the height of the beat ’em up genre. Unfortunately it does basically nothing to stand out in the world of brawlers, aside from represent the Power Rangers franchise. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, as a solid game with a hot property slapped on it is often all a kid is asking for when he chooses the game most deserving of his allowance money.

Power Rangers is seven stages long, although five of them are two parters. They play out in a straightforward manner, you’ll run around locations as varied as “park” and “weirdly spacious sewer” beating up putties until the boss shows himself. At that point, you’ll transform into your Ranger alter ego and go through another level of putty massacre. Finally, you’ll fight the boss, then be returned to the character select screen and do it all again. That is, except for the last two levels, which play out like a fighting game as you take on one giant enemy as the Megazord. After that, you’re treated to a cinematic of the gang going for a joyride (no seat belts) and then watching Zack dance at their favorite gym/juice bar.

The in-game model for the Power Rangers is an obvious pallet swap for each ranger, which is a bit disconcerting of the girls. At least for the Pink Ranger, whose uniform had a skirt on it in the show. Less of a problem for the Yellow Ranger, since she was a dude in the Japanese original. 90% of the game is spent defeating putties of various colors, which is not that exciting. The game mixes it up with a few weird robot enemies and the occasional platforming section, but there’s really not much to it. The boss fights are all pretty easy, and against foes that apparently were in the first season of the show, but were not recognizable to me. There’s no sign of Rita, Goldar or even that other guy. Well, Rita does show up after the credits, but you don’t get to fight her or anything. An image of her just shows up in the sky. Maybe that was meant as a hint for the sequel? “Hey kids, maybe we’ll make another game in which you can finally fight the people you care about!”

The biggest surprise for me, when I pulled this game out of the vault, was the weird code I got after the game’s credits. Apparently there actually is a two player mode in this game, but it’s just one-on-one zord vs. giant enemy fighting. It’s essentially the last two stages of the game, but with a human controlling the enemy. That last fight of the game, by the way, was the only time I died in the whole half an hour it took me to beat the game. That last boss has like twice as much health as the Megazord! What do you want me to do?

Anyway, Mighty Morphin Power Rangers is a burning hot shot of nostalgia in its first few minutes, and then kind of boring for a while, and then a little bit difficult at the very end. As someone who remembers renting the title and being thoroughly entertained, I was pleased enough with it. But if you don’t have a place in your heart (buried deep down, I’m sure) where you still care about the Power Rangers, you probably would see this game the way it really is: mediocre.