Shocktober

There are 442 posts filed in Shocktober (this is page 57 of 64).

Shocktober: Day 6

The Beast of Yucca Flats (1961)

Another crappy classic I reviewed many full moons ago, let’s revisit the heart pounding thriller that is The Beast of Yucca Flats. This frightful Tor Johnson vehicle stars Tor as famous soviet scientist (yeah right) Joseph Javorsky who has just arrived in Yucca Flats, Nevada only to be ambushed by KGB assassins. Fleeing into the desert Javorsky accidentally wanders on to a nuclear test site, don’t you hate it when that happens? This results in Javorsky turning into a mad atomic beast who seems to have a lot of trouble breathing and walking while terrorizing people near and around the desert.

This low budget and infamously terrible Coleman Francis flick even manages to top Ed Wood from time to time with plot holes as big as the grand canyon. Filmed without sound the film makes heavy use of narration. The only thing is that the narrator never tells us anything we can’t already figure out. The film is so mind numbingly simple yet still contains some huge errors. For instance our protagonists which are two cops set out after the beast with virtually no leads. They don’t know what it looks like (leading to a hilarious scene where they shoot a civilian with a rifle from a plane) they don’t know where they are going and how do they even know it’s a “Beast”? No one has any evidence in the film that the killer is not human they just automatically assume it’s a monster. I never seen characters that were so willing to believe in monsters based on absolutely nothing.

Francis was well known for his less than stellar productions of the 50s and 60s but this one tops the cake. Really it was more or less an excuse to put the intimidating Tor Johnson into the role of a monster to make a few bucks, but Tor really doesn’t do much of anything here. He was severely overweight and could barely move, it’s like watching a dying sloth. A much more accurate title for this movie would of been “Revenge of the Slow Fat Guy with Breathing Problems.”

Gaze your eyes at the most terrifying monster of all time!

Shocktober: Day 5

Plan 9 from Outer Space (1959)

I don’t know how this film became the poster child for all bad movies but it certainly is a doozy. Ed Wood’s grand opus of sci-fi shlock has has somehow become a cult phenomenon in the last thirty years and is now considered required viewing for any fan of the strange or absurd. Who is to say what makes this film the grand campy classic that it is? Is it the cheap special effects? Is it the corny performances? Is it all of the above? Yes and more because this may possibly be the best worst movie ever made.

Let’s start with that tile “Plan 9 from Outer Space” great sci-fi title though I would of been just as amused with Wood’s original title “Grave Robbers from Outer Space”. The premise isn’t actually that bad but it’s handled with such incompetence, possibly due to the low budget or hasty production or maybe the fact that campy was all Ed Wood knew. So the humans are developing Solaranite (a sun-powered bomb) and in an effort to stop them aliens have decided to resurrect the dead because as well all know nuclear weapons are no match for zombies. This is the best plan a race of space traveling aliens could come up with? Not to mention this plan only creates about three zombies, yeah real threatening.

Aside from it’s convoluted plot Plan 9 is also infamous as Bela Lugosi’s last film, though I would hardly call silently wandering around a graveyard a performance. Of course star power can boost any low budget flick but Ed probably included Bela even more so as a tribute to his fallen friend. Other Wood notables include Tor Johnson and Vampira, they may not do much but they sure look cool doing it. What I love about Plan 9 is that it isn’t as much a series of scenes progressing the story as it is a collection of many upon many mistakes. It has the worst continuity I’ve ever seen, bad performances, the worst sci-fi effects, people knocking over cardboard tomb stones, actors reading from the script and the list goes on! Who would of ever thought that this would become a hit so many years after it’s release? What does future hold for this film? As TV psychic Criswell memorably said in his opening introduction to the film “Future events such as these will affect you in the future.”

Shocktober: Day 4

The Killer Shrews (1959)

“Those who hunt by night will tell you that wildest and most vicious of all animals is the tiny shrew.” I don’t think you could ask for a better introduction to one of the best films about giant, poisonous, rodents ever made.Thorne Sherman (James Best) and first mate Griswold (Judge Henry Depree) have sailed to a remote island to deliver supplies to a small research team. What kind of research team? There’s a drunk guy, a swedish woman who believes shrews are “The most horrible animal on the face of the earth” and this scientist that plans to eliminate world hunger by shrinking people. Yeah, he’s gonna make people smaller so they don’t have to eat as much, flawless logic.

With the report of an incoming hurricane Sherman is advised to stay on the island but we doesn’t know is that the island is also inhabited by somewhere between 200-300 giant shrews that weigh between 50-100lbs! I don’t know if somebody went out and counted or weighed them all, they just know. Somehow these shrews were accidentally created by the German professor’s experiments. I mean that makes perfect sense, he’s trying to shrink stuff so he ends up with giant shrews, I’m sold.

The bulk of the action (or lack thereof) in The Killer Shrews is expository dialogue about the science of the shrews. Did you know that killer shrews are “More poisonous than snakes” and that their appetite is so great that if you trapped two of them together one would eat the other? If that’s so then why are there 300 Killer shrews on the island? There’s only like five people and they’re pretty hard to get to so why so many shrews? And for a movie about shrews there sure are a lot of cast members that have trouble saying “shrew”. Both the German scientist and Swedish woman always sound like they’re saying “shoes”, “Watch out for the shoes!”

How does this film address it’s own gaping plot holes? Why with more plot holes of course. I mean who really wanted to write a second draft of The Killer Shrews? It’s either that or they felt like they’d immediately struck gold and didn’t feel the need to “polish” the story. One scene that comes to mind is when the swedish woman threatens our hero with a gun because he wants to go out in the woods with the shrews. If you’re so concerned about his well being than why are you pointing a gun at him? Oh and I’ve almost forgotten the crowning achievement of the whole film, the “giant shrews.” They’re dogs, clearly dogs dressed up in ridiculous costumes. They act like dogs, they perform like dogs and they’re hardly scary they’re actually kind of funny.

But you know what? This film was a joy to watch, parts of it anyway. So if you’re really drunk, or really bored, or really stupid, maybe you’ll enjoy watching these ravenous shoes.

This scene right here actually scared me. Look for the seamless blending between puppet and dog.

Shocktober: Day 3

The Robot vs. The Aztec Mummy (1957)

Have you ever seen a movie where you had no recollection of seeing it right after watching it? That’s what happened to me after watching The Robot vs. The Aztec Mummy an incredibly dry b-movie from Mexico. I wasn’t lying when I said some of these were going to be shorter than others which means today is one of those lazy days.

The Robot vs. The Aztec Mummy aka The Aztec Mummy Against the Humanoid Robot aka La mom azteca el robot humano is about a scientist that builds a robot to steal an Aztec treasure from a tomb guarded by an ancient mummy. I know, that sounds awesome right? WRONG! This film is so, so boring and I made the mistake of watching it a year ago, so I’m sorry to say… I’ve practically forgotten everything. So why even review it? Well I couldn’t find a film quickly enough to replace it. Some of these I watch far in advance so later they can sometimes become painful, blurred memories.

The few things I can recall is the annoying amount of flashbacks detailing the Aztec’s rituals, annoying narration/poor additional audio recording and the fact the mummy in this film looks SO BAD. So I’m gonna call it here but don’t worry I got a good one tomorrow.

Here’s a fear-tastic trailer of today’s film!

Shocktober: Day 2

Bride of the Monster (1955)

You just can’t do a bad movie retrospective without some mention of the legendary Edward D. Wood Jr. Famously known as “The World’s Worst Director” though I think that could be debated today, cough Uwe Boll, cough, cough, but there’s something special about Wood’s movies much in the way that a child is special.

Bride of the Monster is more or less your typical cliche b-movie. Dr Eric Vornoff (Bela Lugosi in his last speaking role) is experimenting with atomic energy along with his mute assistant Lobo, (Swedish wrestler Tor Johnson) to create a race of “Atomic Supermen” to take over the world. So a handful of really boring supporting characters investigate Vornoff’s mansion, which is of course guarded by a giant octopus and what follows is a series of laughable conversations and unintentionally awkward effects. Of course it’s all excellently “chronicled” in the 1994 Tim Burton film Ed Wood, probably my favorite movie about making movies.

Though what’s really puzzling is “Where is the monster?” Is it Vornoff? Is it Lobo? Is it the octopus? Knowing that Ed Wood often came up with the titles of his films before the actual idea I’m sure there is no clear cut answer. Out of all the Wood films I’ve seen this is probably my favorite just for Lugosi and the cheesiness oozing out of every pore of his villainous visage. It also has one of the best/worst man vs. octopus fights ever captured on film. If that’s not some worth applause I don’t know what is.

And below is one of the lamest/greatest b-movie endings of all time.

Shocktober: Day 1

Robot Monster (1953)

Here it is in all it’s glory the sci-fi triumph of the silver screen Robot Monster! If you’ve ever read my past Shocktober entries then you may of remember that I reviewed this a year or two ago, but let’s recap anyways. Robot Monster was one of many in the “Atomic Shit” as I like to call it, craze of the 1950s. Ya know movies about giant insects, radiation, alien invaders and whatever. It was a golden age for b-movies and from it we got some of the greatest, some of the worst, and some of the most memorable “so bad they are good” flicks like Robot Monster.

Written and directed by Phil Tucker who was only in his early 20s at the time, Robot Monster was shot on a minuscule budget in an outstandingly quick four day session. Even with the results I think that shows some great initiative and effort. I like to think that at least every film ever made at least deserves a half star just for the fact that it was finished, but enough of that, let’s get down to the shit.

The brilliant premise follows the evil alien “Ro-Man”, who I guess is also a robot, and his one man invasion of Earth. We pick up the story after Ro-Man has apparently killed all but eight people with his death ray. These eight people have somehow become immune to Ro-Man’s death ray and have therefore decided to fight back, even if it takes all the mighty stupidity they have at their disposal.

So that’s fine and dandy but I do have a few queries. First off, why is the supposed “Robot Monster” a guy in a gorilla costume with a space helmet? What is he the lost member of the Banana Splits? He’s supposed to be some fearless, emotionless, destroyer yet he’s a complete joke, not to mention how easily distracted he is by women. So you’re telling me this guy destroyed everyone else on Earth? Everyone in this movie is a complete moron yet they are all that’s left?

Adding to the already immense shit foundation this film is built on, the dialogue is juvenile and laughable in the saddest way and the flow of the film is always flat. On the other hand R.M has gained somewhat of a cult following for appearing on Mystery Science Theater 3000, so at least it has that going for it. I hope this didn’t annoy or sadden you too much cause we still got 30 days left.

Welcome to Shlocktober

I can’t believe it’s already that time of year again! Naturally part of me is excited but also a little overwhelmed at all the posts I’ll have to write to keep up with all 31 days of “Shocktober”. For those unfamiliar with this theme I’ll be reviewing 31 horror movies in 31 days, although this year has a special twist. This year I’ll be reviewing 31 bad horror movies, so in a way you could say it’s more like “Shlocktober”. I’ll still be doing a few other posts non-related to the bad movie theme but for the most part it’ll be 31 posts of me bitching and whining about putting myself through some real horror. I’ll be starting from the 50s (hard to find stuff as bad before this period) to modern day and review whatever crappy horror movies I’ve seen. The reviews will vary in length to long analysis’ to very short (possibly one sentence) summaries. So grab your pumpkin pail and put your masks on it’s time to celebrate Shocktober!