Road House is scary… Scary good. Honestly, I couldn’t come up with another horror movie for 1989 worth talking about. Yesterday was Pet Sematary and that pretty much wraps up the decade for me. So instead of going out on a sour note, I’m pulling a full 360 with a roundhouse kick from Road House. It’s not a horror movie by any means but it’s certainly as violent as a horror movie. So many people get kicked and so many people get killed.

I promise I’ll wrap up Shocktober with a more appropriate post later, but until then enjoy this compilation of every punch in Road House thanks to Red Letter Media. Come back later for more Halloween Hijinks.

Pet Sematary isn’t a great film by any means, yet it just wont die. I can’t tell you how often I still hear people impersonating the ominous warnings of Jud Crandall (Fred Gwynne). If you’ve watched any South Park in the last five years you know what I’m talking about. “You outta not go into the Pet Sematary.” I don’t even know if he actually says that, it’s just the way he delivers his warnings. Jud Crandall has somehow become the official model for creepy old men who try to steer you away from evil. But that’s not the only thing people remember. I don’t think anyone has ever walked away from Pet Sematary without first thinking about their Achilles tendon.

Based off of Stephen King’s 1983 novel, Pet Sematary is about a family of four who’ve just moved to an idyllic Maine community. They befriend neighbor Jud Crandall who tells them about a nearby pet cemetery built over an Indian burial ground (Now that’s how you make small talk!) Later, the family takes a trip leaving the father Louis Creed (Dale Midkiff) by himself. While his wife and kids are gone the family cat is hit by a truck outside the house. So Louis buries it where? In the pet cemetery or “Pet Sematary” according to the sign misspelled by local children. Blatantly ignoring Jud’s warning, the cat mysteriously comes back to life… But it’s not the same. The cat reeks of decomposition and has become a vicious shell of it’s former self. You’d think Louis would have learned his lesson from this, but oh no.

Tragedy strikes again when the Creed’s young son Gage (Miko Hughes) is hit by a truck on the same road the cat was hit. Does Louis give him a proper burial? No, of course not, he buries him in the Pet Sematary. This leads to Gage becoming a murderous zombie-like monster. So zombie Gage kills Jud Crandall, but not before he slices Jud’s achilles tendon.. Eww shutter, I can’t even think about that scene. Things get even worse when Gage murders his own mother Rachel (Denise Crosby). Does Louis give her a proper burial? Of course not. Louis says he put Gage in the cemetery for too long and this time he can do it right. Does it work out? Of course not! Everybody dies.

Pet Sematary is a good adaptation of King’s novel, probably because King wrote the screenplay himself. The problem is the execution is cheesy and melodramatic. It simply never rises above your typical 80s horror movie. It has some memorable moments no question, but as a whole it’s definitely on the lesser end of King’s book-to-movie adaptations.

Now this is what I call a CAT-astrophic event!

What’s scarier to a kid than one of their own toys coming to life and killing people? That’s why Child’s Play has persevered over the years. That and it’s charismatic villain Chucky. Child’s Play is most memorable to those of us that saw it as children. Not only because Chucky was a child-sized villain, but because his primary target was a child. We’ve probably all stared into the dead eyes of a doll at some point and thought “Maybe that doll is just pretending to be inanimate.” Child’s Play explores that fear and although it rarely rises above typical slasher fare, it definitely has some solid scares.

The film opens with Detective Mike Norris (Chris Sarandon) chasing serial killer Charles Lee Ray (Brad Dourif) through the streets of Chicago. Making their way into a toy store, Ray is shot and mortally wounded. Then with one last ounce of strength Ray grabs a Good Guy Doll and recites a voodoo chant. By the time Norris finds Ray he appears to be dead, but of course that’s part of the game. Later, we are introduced to Andy Barclay (Alex Vincent), an innocent 6-year old that wants a Good Guy Doll for his birthday. Andy’s single mother Karen, (Catherine Hicks) unable to afford a doll instead buys one from a bum off the streets. When presented to Andy the doll introduces itself as Chucky. Of course we already know that he ain’t a child’s play-thing.

The early half of the film is surprisingly suspenseful. The voodoo stuff is stupid but the slow buildup to when we first see Chucky alive is very effective. We see strange things happening but whenever the camera cuts to Chucky he’s just sitting there lifeless. It reminds me of the classic Twilight Zone episode “Living Doll” about the killer doll that wont stop tormenting Kojak. Every once in awhile you’ll here the pitter-patter of feet or Chucky wont be where a character thought they put him. All that is great, but once he’s moving around and calling Andy’s mom “A stupid bitch” it loses the suspense and becomes more of a dark comedy. Which is the direction writer Don Mancini took with most of the sequels.

As for Chucky I have to say, he is indeed a memorable character. Of course you have to give credit to Brad Dourif and his maniacal vocal performance. Although I forgot how good the animatronics were in this film. Chucky’s expressions and movements hold up fairly well. Never did I think, “Oh that looks hokey or fake.” Maybe it’s because Chucky is technically an inanimate object, so his abilities should be limited. What doesn’t hold up in this film is the logic.

Over time Chucky finds his new form becoming more and more human. Of course no one wants to be a doll forever so he must find a new host. Abiding by voodoo bullshit, he must find the first person he revealed himself to. Not the first person who found him as a doll, but the first person he revealed himself to be a living doll to. This means he must capture Andy and perform more voodoo bullshit. It doesn’t make sense why these Voodoo rules are so specific. It seems to me they just needed to find a reason for Chucky to go after Andy. Also, why is Chucky so strong? He’s a child’s play-thing! Yet he strangles people and pushes them out windows. Spoiler Fortunately there’s no tacked on ambiguous ending to Child’s Play. Chucky gets burned, shot, and killed.. Game Over. There wasn’t any loose ends, so I’m not sure how they managed to spawn so many sequels. That being said when it comes to Child’s Play, just play with it once and then move on to another toy.

Child’s Play is a movie about a toy that comes to life and has an owner named Andy. What does that remind you of?

On the surface, John Carpenter’s They Live appears to be your typical 80s action flick. A story about a violent loner, played by a professional wrestler, fighting aliens? Doesn’t sound great. Which is why it may come as a surprise when you discover through the power of magic shades that it’s so much more than that. They Live is in fact a dark satire about how greed and advertising has brainwashed modern society. Naturally, this is all realized through the power of sunglasses.

WWF superstar “Rowdy” Roddy Piper plays “Nada” a homeless man drifting through the slums of Los Angeles. Here he finds construction work and befriends Frank Armitage (Keith David) a tough as nails laborer who has also fallen on hard times. Traversing his way through slums and shantytowns, Nada discovers a mysterious box of sunglasses. Who would of thunk that these sunglasses have the ability to reveal the world for what it really is? Signs and advertisements are now revealed saying things like “OBEY” and “THIS IS YOUR GOD”. Nada also discovers skull-like aliens disguised as humans. How can this problem be solved? Killing spree!

Although a majority of They Live may be Roddy Piper kicking ass and running out of bubble gum, the message isn’t lost. If we don’t rebel against the tyranny of corrupt governments and corporations, then we’ll be forced to live as slaves. I never thought I’d describe a movie starring Roddy Piper as “Thought provoking.” You can thank John Carpenter’s well-constructed adaptation of Ray Nelson’s short story “Eight O’Clock in the Morning.” Carpenter captures the political edge without sacrificing any of the action. Just look at the film’s legendary fist fight between Roddy Piper and Keith David. It’s like six minutes long!

Considering Roddy Piper is not an actor he does fine. He’s not great, but somehow oddly memorable. Keith David is Keith David, he’s awesome. I can’t think of anyone else who can swear like him and still be as cold as ice. Actress Meg Foster tags along later, but this is mostly a buddy picture. A buddy picture about two guys taking on an alien conspiracy with magic sunglasses. It’s a tale as old as time.

The best political slogan since Walter Mondale’s “Where’s the Beef?”