It’s a Post About Nothing.

I am only writing this post to avoid the risk that this could be a one post week. I like to think that I personally should be able to write at least one post a week, even if I have nothing to say. With that said I suppose I could use this time to mention possible upcoming topics and subjects that will generate future posts for future generations. To start it’s only a few weeks ’till the DaMorgue crew is taking our voyage to Bend, Oregon to see Death Cab for Cutie and Bright Eyes, that sounds like a rip-roaring adventure waiting to happen. Sean will also be graduating around the same time so I can only assume the blog will now be his career, cheers!

I feel like there’s some albums coming up… Definitely a new Death Cab and My Morning Jacket record. Last time I checked they were both coming out on the same day. There’s probably all sorts of indie releases that Sean and Colin know about but I don’t, everyone loves surprises, I know I do!

Usually this is where I’d talk about movies but I wont. There’s a bunch coming out and we’ll be seeing and reviewing a handful of them, nuff said. In more dramatic blog news you can look forward to a weekly post retelling the amazing musical journey of The Defenestrators starting the first week of June. For those who don’t know The D was and still is the band that myself, Colin, and Nancy Tin Tin all formed in Junior High. So you can look forward to an in-depth retelling of our ultimate story of; sex, drugs, and something something coming this summer.

I still plan on filming something small this summer as well as to further hone our craft and amuse, there will be more news on that as it develops. Hmm, seems that’s all I can think of right now, but keep checking in for further updates and tom foolery, Otteni out.

C.A.T.: Who’s Next

The Who – Who’s Next (1971)

I’m not quite sure how it happened, but somehow we’ve written 100+ Classic Album Tuesdays and yet we’ve never done one from a band that all of us at Mildly Pleased have been fans of for a long time — The Who. I pretty much love every single Who album from their debut up until Quadrophenia, but Who’s Next in particular has always had a special place in my heart. So forgive me if I get ridiculously nostalgic about an album that came out nearly two decades before I was born.

I can distinctly remember having just turned 14 years old and going to Fred Meyer to buy a copy of Who’s Next. I don’t know what compelled me to buy the album, as I knew very little about The Who apart from a couple songs and their appearance on The Simpsons. Anyways, I got home, popped in the CD, and effectively had my mind blown. I hadn’t really ever heard anything like it. It just seemed so powerful and bursting with energy, but also so introspective and confessional at the same time. And even when I listen to it now, I still get an inkling of that feeling, since the songs and the execution are just that good.

Many of the songs on Who’s Next came out of a bigger project that Pete Townshend had been planning called Lifehouse, which was conceived as an even grander follow-up to the 1969 rock opera Tommy. Of course, the Lifehouse project was eventually abandoned and Pete Townshend came up with an album that was not a rock opera, but just a bunch of really good songs that stood on their own. Even if Who’s Next didn’t top Tommy in ambitious scope, it’s still an amazing achievement just in that it really catches The Who at the top of their game collectively. Townshend’s songs are as anthemic as ever, and the fact that he introduces synthesizers to The Who’s raunchy sound makes the album somewhat of a groundbreaker considering basically no rock bands were using synths yet. And on top of that, you’ve got some of Entwistle’s most masterful basslines, Moon’s most brilliantly manic drumming, and Roger Daltrey reaching the full depth of his powerful range.

I guess it also speaks volumes to The Who’s brilliance that I still love this album even though there isn’t a whole lot of arena-bound classic rock music that I still listen to, even though it was a big part of my listening habits as a youngster. But I think Pete Townshend’s songs lend themselves to a kind of resonance that transcends the classic rock genre, even if each new CSI show threatens to destroy that resonance. It’s got to be in my top five albums of all time, easily.

Favorite Tracks: “Baba O’Riley”, “The Song Is Over”, “Won’t Get Fooled Again”

Retrospecticus: Marvel Movies

In honor of the latest Marvel release Thor, I present to you with my own retrospective of previously released Marvel films. Now before you go asking yourself “Where’s such classics as Howard the Duck and the 80s Punisher?” So let me first establish that I will only be discussing films produced and co-produced by Marvel Studios from the late 90s to present. That’s basically when all this superhero hype began anyways, so let’s get to it.

Blade (1998)

Interesting film to start off the retrospective as in the comics Blade was as some nerds might say “second tier.” He was never a breakout character and was for the most part just featured in obscure 70s horror titles like The Tomb of Dracula and Vampire Tales. Though somehow he started to get attention in the 90s which I suppose built up a big enough fan base to justify this movie.

But who is Blade? Well, he’s a half-human/half vampire who protects humans from bad vampires (which basically means all vampires). He works alongside a crusty old man named Whistler (Kris Kristofferson) who acts as Blade’s mentor and weapons technician, though he mostly complains, “God Damn it Blade!” So Blade fights this evil vampire syndicate headed by Stephen Dorff and lots of stuff blows up.

The action is satisfying as you can actually tell what’s going on, but the story lacks emotion and all the characters are one dimensional. Yeah I get it, Blade is like all cool and stuff, but he really doesn’t have much of a personality. It’s forgettable light entertainment that could’ve really benefitted from some more humor and stronger characters.

X-Men (2000)

Though Blade was technically the first Marvel Studios film I think most identify THIS as the first REAL Marvel film and as the film that more or less started the whole superhero craze. With so many different characters and stories throughout its run, an X-Men movie could have been a complete mess if not handled properly. Luckily, Brian Singer (Usual Suspects) was behind the camera and took what have been a ridiculous movie turning it into a great character driven story.

Most of the film revolves around Wolverine which is fine considering Hugh Jackman shines in the role. Patrick Stewart and Ian McKellen are also standouts as both Professor X and Magneto respectively. A handful of characters are miscast (Storm, Cyclops, Sabretooth) but solid action makes up for that. I also praise X-Men’s attempts to stay grounded in reality, who knew you could hit on deeper themes like civil rights in a superhero movie? Anyhow this film will always have a place in my heart as the first superhero movie that felt genuine.

Blade II (2002)

With little interest in the first installment, I didn’t have high hopes for another hack and slash vampire movie. Though one thing I overlooked until many years later was that this wasn’t just any stupid vampire movie, it was a vampire movie directed by Guillermo Del Toro. Yes, the same visionary filmmaker behind Pan’s Labyrinth and The Devil’s Backbone actually directed a Blade film and guess what? It’s actually kind of awesome.

Director Guillermo Del Toro and screenwriter David Goyer (Who wrote all three Blades) hit us this time with an all out visceral gore fest of a flick with interesting twists and well-crafted suspense. The characters are still dry (with the exception of Ron Perlman hamming it up in the best way) but at least the story is engaging.

In Blade II, a new race of vampire has come about that not only feed on humans but other vampires. Not to mention these new vampires are like crack addicts and have to feed constantly. So Blade has to team up with the vampires to fight the super vampires. I know that’s probably the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard, but in the context of Blade, it’s all kinds of awesome. I suppose it goes to show what a talented filmmaker can do with the right tools to a so-so franchise.

Spider-Man (2002)

With the exception of Episode I this was probably the most excited I’ve ever been for a movie. Finally, a chance to see my favorite web-slinger on the big screen! I was definitely nervous as this could have easily been a disaster (early stills of the Green Goblin weren’t encouraging) though somehow Sam Raimi pulled it off. The cast was great, the effects were eye-popping and it even had a cameo from Bruce Campbell! There were definitely changes made that soured my cider such as the absence of the web shooters and no Gwen Stacy, which basically screwed up the continuity of the comics right off the bat, those these were small complaints. All in all it was great fun and cinched the future of Marvel movies.

Daredevil (2003)

By Day he’s Matt Murdock; a blind lawyer living in New York City’s Hell Kitchen but when night falls he becomes “Daredevil!” A man in a red devil costume who fights New York City gangsters with a billy club! I guess it’s not surprising this was a critical failure, but if you ask me this film is kind of fun.

Released at the height of Ben Affleck hate-dom (mainly because of his marriage to JLO but also for a string of underwhelming flicks like Pearl Harbor and Gigli) Daredevil was sort of doomed from the start. He’s an unusual character and it had to be a hard sell for audiences. Imagine if someone went up to you and said, “Wanna see this movie about a blind crime-fighting lawyer who has super senses?” I mean it’s ridiculous, but being that I was a Daredevil fan going in I went in with an open mind and enjoyed this movie.

I only wish Daredevil could have been taken more seriously. I enjoyed the humor and action but it’s too lightweight. The cast was decent enough featuring; Ben Affleck, Jennifer Garner, Michael Clarke Duncan (although miscast), Colin Farrell, Jon Favreau, and Joe Pantoliano; but it’s flawed by its own awkwardness. Seems to me that this movie so desperately wanted to be Spider-Man that it took a subtle character way too over the top.

In retrospect, Daredevil probably should have received a better movie. He’s always been a fascinating character with great comics. He’s a solemn and low-key figure that would have shined in a darker and more dramatic film. All the great images in the comics of Daredevil perched next to gargoyles overlooking churches, but instead, we got a movie starring Good Will Hunting’s friend and Colin Farrell with a tattoo on his head, oh well it could have been worse.

X2 (2003)

With all the setup out of the way, X2 was free to take the franchise to next level with more characters and surprisingly, more drama. Non-mutant William Stryker (Brian Cox) takes the reigns as the lead villain this time with a plan to kill all the mutants and it’s up to the X-Men, with the addition of fan-favorite Nightcrawler (Alan Cummings) to whoop his ass.

It’s all the greatness of the original kicked up a notch, though I have a few complaints. I’m disappointed to see Halle Berry pushed to the front of every scene after becoming a breakout star. Also, what happened to Cyclops? His role is nonexistent in X2 which is a real insult to the comics. Granted James Marsden isn’t that strong in the role, they probably should have re-casted the role. In the comics, Cyclops was second in command, so stop screwing him over. That all aside this is still a mighty fine action flick.

Hulk (2003)

The Hulk is one of my favorite Marvel characters because he’s a big monster that fights evil! He’s like something out of a Universal monster movie with his Jekyll and Hyde like persona and frightening appearance. Yeah he’s strong and he smashes stuff, but there’s also a lot under the surface in Bruce Banner’s pain, so I respect that Ang Lee attempted to touch on that… It’s just too bad he had to delve into that aspect for 138 minutes.

Hulk may be a monster but he’s still a superhero and you never feel that in Ang Lee’s Hulk. The action scenes are far too few and in-between and after awhile you get restless. It doesn’t help that Eric Bana is as exciting as a wet noodle with Jennifer Connelly being equally forgettable. Nick Nolte is bizarre as Bruce’s absent-minded father (something that as far as I know was never in the comics) and I’m not sure how I felt about him turning him into the Marvel character “Absorbing Man” in the last twenty minutes. The only cast member that shines is Sam Elliott who was perfectly cast as LT. Colonel “Thunderbolt” Ross.

Another thing that bugs me is the Hulk’s height, he’s like 15 feet tall! He can barely fit on the screen with the other characters. The CGI is good enough but it didn’t work for me and the movie although ambitious couldn’t capture the “incredible” side of the Hulk.

The Punisher (2003)

This is actually the second Punisher film after the 80s Dolph Lundgren version which I’ve actually seen (it’s torture). This installment takes a more Hollywood approach in a desperate attempt to be as cool as all the more popular Marvel franchises. If you don’t really know anything about the Punisher consider yourself lucky as he’s never been that interesting. Basically, he was created as a villain for an issue of Spider-Man and somehow got his own series.

The Punisher is about Frank Castle; a recently retired FBI agent who’s been targeted by powerful Tampa crime boss Howard Saint (John Travolta) after Frank killed his son or something, I don’t remember. Frank’s chillin’ at his retirement party with his wife, son, and dad (Roy Scheider) and then Howard’s boys come by and kill a bunch of people. Frank’s wife and son try to escape but they get run over by a truck and Roy Scheider dies too, but probably says something inspiring before he dies. So Frank becomes “The Punisher” and delivers vengeance in the only way he knows how… Bang, bang, boom!

The Punisher is fairly tongue and cheek for a movie about a guy who straight up murders people. Tom Jane stars and seems to have fun in the role. Jane hasn’t had the greatest track record, but I’ve always liked him, he’s just trying to get his kids back. I actually liked a handful of the silly characters and for the most part, it’s dumb fun. So even in if The Punisher lacks originality, has lazy plotting, and no real point, it’s still remotely watchable.

Spider-Man 2 (2004)

Now that we were all familiar with Spidey’s origin, Spider-Man 2 upped the ante with bigger effects and even more at stake for Peter Parker. Pete’s relationship with Mary Jane is in the gutter, he’s living in the equivalent of a gutter and now he’s got Dock Ock (my favorite Spidey villain played marvelously by Alfred Molina) up in his shit. It’s basically the same movie again with a different villain but minus the weight of an origin story. SP2 is free to have fun but still has a heart and that’s why it’s my favorite superhero next to DC’s The Dark Knight.

Blade: Trinity (2004)

Because the world apparently needed another Blade we got Blade: Trinity and yes, it’s as bad as it sounds. This time around we have vampires led by Parker Posey (strangely enough) that have decided to resurrect who else but Count Dracula, who’s apparently been lying dormant in an Iraqi cave for thousands of years because it’s convenient for the plot. Meanwhile, Blade is apprehended by the FBI while Whistler kills himself in an explosion to avoid being taken in. Not like it really matters as Whistler really didn’t have much to do aside from shouting “God damn it Blade!” So Blade is interrogated by a psychologist played by another Christopher Guest favorite in John Michael Higgins but uh oh, he’s a human working for vampire Parker Posey and he’s turning Blade over to the vamps! Why Blade is not killed in this scene is beyond me, I guess they had to wait for Dracula to kill him because it would be cool. Then in a completely implausible scene, Ryan Reynolds and Jessica Biel break into the FBI headquarters to rescue Blade.

Back at the good guy hideout (where are all these, hideouts?), we find out that Jessica Biel is Whistler’s daughter, how cliche is that? I mean what’s with third installments always being family affairs? Oh yeah, these people are vampire hunters and one of them is Patton Oswalt as the geeky gadgets guy, awesome?

The rest of the movie is a bunch of high adrenaline fights and chases to shitty techno music, but it’s nothing we haven’t already seen. What makes this movie so bad is a lack of originality and awful characters. Dominic Purcell is probably the worst as Dracula, but Ryan Reynolds is almost as annoying playing Dane Cook if he hunted vampires. Also, Triple H co-stars as a vampire that delivers such gems like “They pretty much fuckin’ ass raped us!”

One thing that puzzles me is why people that hunt vampires are always so attractive? Can you imagine if there really were vampire hunters? They’d probably be morbidly obese guys in mobility scooters. There’s a nod to Mr. Oswalt. I love ya man.

Elektra (2005)

Out of all the great Marvel characters yet to be adapted for the screen; Doctor Strange, The Sub-Mariner, even the Silver Surfer, (though he would later get thrown in the “interesting” Fantastic Four sequel) Elektra was probably the last character that should have received her own movie. As if it wasn’t enough that she appeared in Daredevil, I seem to clearly remember her getting killed. Though thanks to magic and other stuff that doesn’t make sense she’s back and ready to do whatever it is she does.

The film opens with these two criminals in a moody mansion talking about who else but Mrs. Bennifer herself. This one guy seems really paranoid that she’s coming for them but I don’t understand, doesn’t everyone think she’s dead? For whatever reason, this guy thinks she isn’t and that she’s coming for them tonight. Why he thinks this I have no idea, I don’t even know why Elektra does come after him, she just hates smug guys in suits who sit around with guns in moody mansions.

Later, Elektra is hired to wait out at this lake house for further instructions regarding her next hit. While awaiting these instructions she spends most of her time training and having painful flashbacks of her childhood because that’s supposed to make her deep or something. Afterward, Elektra meets two other residents of the lake; a young girl named Abby and her father Mark with an ever-changing European accent. Later they all get attacked by assassins and it’s at this point that Elektra discovers this girl is a gifted warrior that she must protect. So at this point the film isn’t even that focused on her, where are they taking this?

My main problem with Elektra is I have no idea why anybody is doing anything. They all just seem to play good guys and bad guys because it’s a movie about good guys that fight bad guys. There really is no compelling story or interesting characters, though I always enjoy seeing Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa (Shao Tsung from Mortal Kombat) that guys cool. I could keep going but I’m too sad.

Fantastic Four (2005)

At this point, you might be able to tell I have a soft spot for Marvel’s most beloved franchises. I was so ecstatic for this film that I think it probably blinded me from the fact that this movie is really stupid. I like some of the decisions they made, but this movie is so silly that it’s more a dumb comedy than anything else.

Good casting is key in a good super-team movie, so right off the bat, you can see there’s a weak link in this unfantastic flick… Jessica Alba. Sure, she’s attractive, but has she ever been good in anything ever? The rest of the F.F. casting makes sense, though I’m not sure why they decided to put Michael Chiklis in such a stupid costume instead of simply going CG.

What really eats away at me is this film ruined the greatest Marvel villain of all time, Dr. Doom. Julian McMahon couldn’t have been more forgettable as what could have been the next Darth Vader. Couldn’t they have at least cast someone people had heard of? Someone like Jeremy Irons, sure he’s twenty years too old for the part but Doom needed to be played by a master thespian. That all aside this movie is at least watchable, just a missed opportunity.

X-Men: The Last Stand (2006)

This movie was basically all about the Benjamins. With Brian Singer parting ways and Brett Ratner taking over I don’t think anyone had high expectations but hey, it’s still the X-Men. So let’s see they fought Magneto, then Magneto/Stryker and now they’re fighting? Oh, it’s Magneto again, so why should I care? That’s more or less the whole feeling of this installment “Why should I care?”

You can cram in more characters, but why did this movie need to be made? Because people like me are stupid and people like me, sigh… enjoy stupid stuff like this. What can I say? I love the X-Men. I also liked the addition of Ellen Page as fan fav Kitty Pryde (excellent casting even if the role was small) and who doesn’t love Frasier as Beast? It’s got hella problems, but so does America and that’s why this movie was a hit.

Ghost Rider (2007)

If all the Marvel films were students this would be the one that rides the short bus. I apologize for that remark but this is one of the dumbest big budget movies I’ve ever seen. Rarely have I ever been so desperate to flee a theater than the day I witnessed the abomination that is Ghost Rider. I’ll try and be brief as the mere thought of Ghost Rider makes me want to vomit with rage.

This “film” is about a stunt motorcyclist named Johnny Blaze (Nicolas Cage with CGI abs) who sells his soul to the devil to fight crime. Becoming the spirit like “Ghost Rider” Blaze wages a battle through plot holes and bad acting to try and defeat the evil Blackheart (Wes Bentley). You know a movie is bad when you’ve blocked out most of it from your memory. I’ll leave it there.

Spider-Man 3 (2007)

I’ve already established I’m a softie for Stan Lee’s greatest creations. Just the fact that these movies keep getting made makes me overjoyed, so maybe that’s blinding whatever common sense I may have but I’m not gonna lie… I like Spider-Man 3. Is it cheesy? Yeah. Is the script a mess? Yup. Is it sometimes funny for the wrong reasons? A little bit. Is it entertaining? Hell yeah! At this point in the series, I’d grown so attached to the characters that I suppose I was willing to see them go through anything, even if it was silly.

Sandman, Venom, Harry Osborn on a glider, and a moody Peter Parker with an identity crisis all duking it out at the same time? Yeah, it was a little much and in the grand scheme of things this overpacked plot was probably the film’s downfall, but I still like a lot of the little things.

Sandman is underdeveloped but at the same time, it’s Sandman. I am watching a movie with Sandman! Is this real life? Sam Raimi may have gotten carried away, but I think his heart was in the right place. I mean he’s another fan like the rest of us and after two films I guess he wanted to mix it up a little, though as a wise group once said “Rock the boat, don’t rock the boat baby, rock the boat, don’t tip the boat over.” For too many, Raimi tipped the boat over.

Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer (2007)

It was already a shame that Marvel blew it on the F.F franchise, but they just had to bring down Silver Surfer too. Though Silver Surfer certainly popped up a lot in the F.F comic series he was just as a respectable hero in his own solo comic. The real downer here is that because this movie was stupid, people will never get to really know how cool Silver Surfer is. Any mention of Silver Surfer will ultimately lead to this movie which has forever tainted his legacy.

FFRotSS isn’t an abomination like Ghost Rider or Elektra but it’s not a good representation of the quality characters being featured. The action is good, the effects are nice, but the dramatic execution is terrible and ultimately this was the final nail in the coffin for Tim Story’s F.F. films. I only hope this film gets a legitimate remake in the years to come.

Punisher: War Zone (2008)

Since we all needed another movie about a guy who kills people with guns, we got Punisher: War Zone. Maybe it’s a sequel, maybe it’s a reboot, but all we really know is that watching this movie is probably worse than actually being shot.

Frank Castle is back and more of a ripoff of Batman than ever in this gritty and completely unappealing action flick. This time around Frank faces off against a group of mobsters who have about as much depth as the Good Pidgeons from Animaniacs (deep 90s cut) and do bad guy stuff because… Because they’re bad guys.

Frank brutally murders these bad guys because he hates bad guys so much, but oops! He accidentally kills an undercover cop! So he’s all sad and starts stalking the cop’s wife (Julie Benz from Dexter) and decides he has to protect her because I don’t know, the bad guys wanna kill her or something.

Frank’s only real friend is Wayne Knight, who supplies him with guns in his laboratory underneath a subway system. Irishman Ray Stevenson (Who’s actually in the upcoming Thor) plays the emotionless and undeniably dull Frank “The Punisher” Castle, but every character is some kind of stereotype.

Something I find distracting about all this is how similar it is to Batman, check this out:
– Both characters became vigilantes after family members were murdered.
– Both are equally feared by crooks and cops and considered a menace.
– They both only come out at night
– The Punisher fights a guy named Jigsaw (Dominic West) who looks a lot like Two-Face.
– Both have secret lairs, both wear black, etc.

The only difference is Batman has depth and principles, The Punisher just teaches us that violence solves everything and that it’s okay to kill hundreds of people if you’re pissed off. I mean, bad guys suck so much, am I right?

Iron Man (2008)

Here we go, a safe dependable character with a great cast and crew. Iron Man came just in time, revitalizing interest in Marvel films while simultaneously launching the proposal for an Avengers movie. I think we’ve all seen Iron Man so I won’t bore you with plot details. All I’ll say is that this an excellent performance from Downey and perfectly balances humor with action. Not to mention it introduced many of the uninformed to the awesomness of the character of Iron Man, instantly cementing him as one of Marvel’s top players.

The Incredible Hulk (2008)

This is more like the Hulk! From the perfect casting of Mr. Duality himself (Edward Norton), the inclusion of another big baddie (Tim Roth) and several homages to the TV series, this was pitch perfect. Presented as both a sequel and a reboot, The Incredible Hulk gives us all the quality action that was lacking in Ang Lee’s snoozer. Perhaps the story is lightweight, but there’s plenty of humor and excitement to make up for it.

I have a few complaints but they’re minor. For one, why is the Hulk still so damned tall? He’s not 15ft but he’s still gotta be at least 10ft, I don’t get it. Hmm, that’s all that’s coming to me as of now, so I guess I don’t have as many complaints as I thought. It’s just too bad that Edward Norton won’t be returning to this role in the upcoming Avengers.

X-Men Origins: Wolverine (2009)

I already reviewed this on the blog once and I didn’t like it. Who would have thought you could surround such a great character like Wolverine with so much shit? Jackman’s good, but this film feels more like a contest to cram in as many X-Men cameos as possible, while simultaneously ruining all of them. Because of this film, we’ll probably never get to see favorites like Gambit or Deadpool in a good movie and that’s a shame. This film took so many liberties with the property that it became something so fowl I cringe to look upon it. I only pray that the second installment will do everyone’s favorite Canadian superhero justice.

Iron Man 2 (2010)

With the upcoming Avengers flick, I’m not sure they needed another Iron Man, but it was fun to watch, even if it did kill a few brain cells. Iron Man 2 tries to up the ante as many sequels often do, but for some reason, it just felt too jumbled and busy. Too many characters and too many plotlines, it lacked the breezy looseness of the original. Downey is as good as ever as is Gwyneth Paltrow and Mickey Rourke, it was just sloppy. Let’s hope that The Avengers movie doesn’t get too out of hand.

Wow is that it? There’s probably something else that will come to me later, but I’m starting to lose it. Anyways I hope you all enjoy a Marvel infused summer as I know I will, excelsior!

Living in Perfect Harmony

Pokémon White Version

Right before the Nintendo 3DS came out (remember that?) another big Nintendo product was released in America: the latest Pokemon games. Pokemon Black and White versions bring the series into its official fifth generation and feature the most changes the series has seen yet. But is that enough, or has Pokemon become too stagnant for its own good?

Tell me if you’ve heard this one before: you wake up one day and find out its finally time for you to go see the local professor to get your own Pokedex and your first Pokemon. You venture out into the world, battling your way through eight Pokemon gyms to earn badges so you can go challenge the Elite Four and the reigning Pokemon champion. But your real motivation is to catch all the Pokemon in the world, because, uh, that would be cool, I guess.

The story of Pokemon White Version does change from the traditional campaign in some interesting ways. You have two rivals now, both lifelong friends of yours that always encourage you and even work with you on a few occasions. The evil group you keep running into is the most interesting aspect about this game, they’re basically the Pokemon version of PETA, who say its wrong that people capture Pokemon and make them fight. I’m glad someone finally said that, but the main characters never take Team Plasma and their cause seriously, since that would ruin playing the game.

This game features 150 new Pokemon, you won’t see a single familiar face until you’ve completed the main story. That’s cool, I guess. Graphically, the game looks the same, maybe a little better, since Pokemon sprites are now animated and the game uses some limited 3D effects. Nothing groundbreaking. What is groundbreaking is that TMs are now infinite use, a welcome change. With brand new Pokemon to catch and easy ways to fix any mistakes you make while leveling them, this is a great game for wannabe Pokemon trainers to hop on.

But I can’t help but feel like Pokemon needs to do something really different. This is the same basic game I played like 13 years ago. Hopefully when Pokemon makes the leap to the 3DS, or the Wii 2, Nintendo will take that opportunity to profoundly change the franchise. In the meantime, this is still a great game for anyone looking for that Pokemon experience they’ve always enjoyed.

Retrospecticus: Beastie Boys

Our week of retrospecticuses continues with a look back at the career of the Beastie Boys, who’s Hot Sauce Committee Part 2drops this week. It’s probably not even the album that comes out this week that I’m most excited about, but still, the last time the Beasties released a proper hip-hop album was during Bush’s first term. So it’s not like I’m gonna get another chance to do this again anytime soon.

Licensed To Ill (1986)

The Beastie Boys arrived on the scene with a bit of a bang, as their debut Licensed To Ill was the first hip-hop album to top the Billboard album charts, and would end up being the top selling hip-hop album of the decade. What made the Beasties so accessible to so many people including non-hip-hop fans was that they were willing to mix elements of hard rock with old school hip-hop beats, while infusing a style and attitude that was simply one of a kind. Also, a lot of the songs are just undeniably catchy, despite their undeniably simplistic and juvenile lyrical content.

Some people even tend to think that this was the high point of the Beastie Boys career, but honestly I’ve never been that huge of a fan of License To Ill, although I’ll admit the album does have a loutish frat-boy charm to it. And since John’s already done a CAT for this album, I don’t really feel the need to talk about it in further detail.

Favorite Tracks: “Girls”, “No Sleep Til Brooklyn”, “Brass Monkey”

Paul’s Boutique (1989)

It probably says quite a bit about my hip-hop credibility that my favorite hip-hop album of all time was created by a bunch of white jews, but Paul’s Boutique is just that. Trading in their mix of B-boy hip-hop and hard rock for a smorgasborg of samples ranging from Public Enemy to The Beatles to Bernard Herrmann, Paul’s Boutique was probably the first album that truly turned sampling in to an art form. Of course, sampling had been around since the inception of hip-hop, but with the help of producers the Dust Brothers, the Beastie Boys created something that was oddly familiar and yet it’s own bizarre entity.

In addition to this sample-fueled sound, the Beastie Boys stepped up their rap game, with rhymes that are considerably more intricate than those of their Licensed To Ill days, and are filled with a plethora of irreverent and often hilarious pop culture references. Of course, many saw Paul’s Boutique as a bit of a dissapointment in comparison to Licensed To Ill, as it was a complete turn in another direction and was a commercial flop on release. However, now it’s easy to see that Paul’s Boutique was years ahead of its time and is one of those hip-hop records that you just gotta check out at some point.

Favorite Tracks: “Shake Your Rump”, “Egg Man”, “Looking Down The Barrel Of A Gun”

Check Your Head (1992)

After the misunderstood triumph of Paul’s Boutique, the Beasties once again decide to take their sound in another radically different direction with Check Your Head. This release saw the band abandoning their previously sample-heavy sound for a more organic approach, as most of the album sees the band returning to their roots as a hardcore punk band, as they play their own instruments on most of the tracks.

Though there is an inkling of hardcore punk in the songs on Check Your Head, there’s also an undeniable influence of funk that fuses with a hard rock sound that makes songs like “Gratitude” and “Funky Boss” undeniably bad-ass. Also, songs like “Groove Holmes” and “Pow” exploring Meters-like instrumentals that show the Beasties displaying a surprising musical prowess in laying down some funky jams. Also, in addition to being another first rate effort from the Beastie Boys, Check Your Head returned the Beasties to more mainstream success with the stone-cold single “So What’cha Want”.

Favorite Tracks: “Jimmy James”, “Gratitude”, “So What’cha Want”

Ill Communication (1994)

Ill Communication is a bit of an oddity in the Beastie Boys’ discography in that for once the Beastie Boys didn’t really mix-up their sound, as the album has the same dusty funk infused sound that was seen on Check Your Head. But really, I don’t have any problem with that, and it’s pretty hard to complain when the album features a few of their finest songs.

The most notable song of course would have to be the Beastie Boys’ noisy opus “Sabotage”, a song that probably remains the finest culmination of rap and hard rock that’s ever been produced. Really the only complaint I have about Ill Communication is that it probably features a few too many instrumental funk jams and not enough of the Beasties’ irreverent rhymes that are seen on songs like “Sure Shot” and “Get It Together”.

Favorite Tracks:“Sure Shot”, “Root Down”, “Sabotage”

Hello Nasty (1998)

This album in many ways saw the Beasties embracing the good time vibes of the late nineties, and it’s just a really fun little album. Actually little probably isn’t the best word to describe it considering Hello Nasty‘s 73 minute running time, so there’s definitely a fairly sprawling sound to it.

They really throw a little bit of everything in to the album, as there are strains of all the different sounds that the Beastie Boys have inhabited, while they also manage to mix in electronic and lounge music to the Beastie’s already diverse range of influences. The album also features a surprising amount of singing instead of rapping on songs like “Song For The Man”, “I Don’t Know”, which have a sort of contemporary rock sound to them. And I think it’s because of this diverse sound that the album really works, as Hello Nasty is almost always entertaining despite it’s lenghty running time.

Favorite Tracks: “Super Disco Breakin'”, “Remote Control”, “Intergalactic”

To The 5 Boroughs (2004)

After 1998’s Hello Nasty, the Beasties went a long time without releasing new music, and in that time a lot had changed in their beloved NYC. So it’s not surprising that the Beasties paid tribute to New York in the album’s title and throughout the album, especially on the track “An Open Letter To NYC”.

And because To The 5 Boroughs shows the Beastie Boys six years removed from their last album and almost two decades from their debut, the Beasties seem pretty content with embracing their elder statesman of hip-hop persona, rather than trying to be on the cutting edge. But I think it’s this interest in dancing to the beat of their own funky drummer that has kept the Beastie Boys relevant, when most hip-hop artists stick around for only a few years before fading due to the ever changing trends of the genre. To The 5 Boroughs might not see the Beastie Boys sounding quite as vital or innovative as in the early days, but it still sees them thriving in the kind of old-school hip-hop that has always been at the heart of their sound, and that’s alright with me.

Favorite Tracks: “Ch-Ch-Check It Out”, “Right Right Now Now”, “Triple Trouble”

The Mix-Up (2007)

I wasn’t really sure whether to include this album since I’ve hardly spent any time listening to it, and I don’t really have much to say about it. But anyways, on Check Your Head and Ill Communication there were a number of instrumental tracks that sounded heavily inspired by The Meters’ organ-fueled brand of funk, and I guess they decided to pursue nothing but that sound over the course of The Mix-Up. So if you’re looking for some of the Beasties’ tasty rhymes, this obviously isn’t the album for you since it’s an entirely instrumental album. I mean it’s fine for what it is, but it’s not really to the type of thing I want to listen to when I’m in the mood for The Beastie Boys. But with Hot Sauce Committee Part Two coming out today, we finally get to see the Beastie Boys once again laying down some funky fresh rhymes.

Favorite Tracks: “B For My Name”, “Electric Worm”, “Off The Grid”

Mission: In-Freaking-Sanity

Fast Five

Since taking over the franchise with Tokyo Drift, director Justin Lin has done an amazing job developing the mythology of this ridiculous series. Things have gotten so insane that Fast Five is basically an Ocean’s Eleven-style heist movie. That’s right the gang’s all here: Dom, Brian, Mia, Han, Roman, Tej, Tego, Rico and Gisele. What’s that? Those name’s mean nothing to you? Well, go read the Fast and the Furious retrospecticus if you want. You don’t really have to though, because Fast Five stands enough on it’s own that you could probably appreciate it even if it was the first movie in the series you saw. And you definitely should see it.

Dom, Mia and Brian are on the run after busting Dom out. They’re hiding in Rio de Janeiro just trying to survive when their old buddy Vince shows up and offers them a job. Things go south pretty quick and soon enough American super agent Luke Hobbs (The Rock) is on the hunt for Dom and his team. So Dom decides it’s time for one last huge job, after which everyone will disappear. How do you do a job like that? You bring in the dream team.

What’s kind of amazing about Fast Five is how little it has in common with the rest of the franchise. Yes, these guys’ specialty is racing, but the film actually opts to not show a gratuitous race sequence. On the other hand, what we do get are a few harrowing chase scenes, including one on foot and the totally insane finally heist chase. It’s got to be seen to be believed. The movie has plenty of gunfighting and even the long-awaited fist fight between Vin Diesel and The Rock. That might have been the most muscular scene since the arm wrestling in Predator.

I know there’s going to be plenty of movies to keep everyone entertained this summer, but I think Fast Five is a great place to start. It’s long but it never feels like it. The starts do well enough that you won’t hate them, or feel disappointed. The action is top-notch. This is the least car porny, bromantic entry in the franchise and an excellent action movie, I don’t care who you are.

Retrospecticus: The Fast and the Furious

It’s the eternal question: how can there really be five The Fast and the Furious movies? I thought that first movie was just a big long ad for NOS (it was). How can a franchise based on car fetishism and bro love become one of the longest-running in recent cinema history? Honestly, I don’t know. But I have seen them all now, so I can at least tell you how I feel about them.

The Fast and the Furious (2001)

The first entry in the franchise had more in common with Point Break than the 1955 from which it stole its title. Its a hyper macho story of Brian O’Conner (Paul Walker), an undercover cop who infiltrates the Los Angeles street racing scene in the hopes of finding the crew responsible for a string of high-speed semi hijackings. Brian falls in with Dom (Vin Diesel) and his team, featuring Vince, who distrusts Brian, Dom’s girlfriend, Letty (Michelle Rodriguez) and Dom’s sister, Mia (Jordana Brewster). Everything seems great for Brian: the racing is fun, Mia seems to be into him and Dom quickly becomes a good friend. But after getting the wrong guys arrested, Brian has to face the reality: it’s Dom and his family that have been ripping off the truckers. It all comes to a head at “race war,” a big event for 10-second racers. Some people get killed, the heist goes bad, in the end Brian chases down Dom. Dom wrecks, but Brian lets him escape. Crazy, I know. Sure, the acting and writing might not be top notch, but the driving sequences are genuinely thrilling and the movie is just slick enough that it gets a pass in my book.

2 Fast 2 Furious (2003)

Vin Diesel and The Fast and The Furious director Rob Cohen decided that making xXx was a good idea, so the second film in the franchise had to follow Brian’s adventures after ruining the lives of Dom and his crew. It turns out Brian’s life hasn’t been so great since he let Dom go, in fact he’s turned to a life of crime, becoming a full-time street racer. His good friend Tej (Ludacris) holds a crazy race, which Brian wins, but results in him getting captured by the Feds. They offer him a deal: forgiveness for his crimes if he can help bring down a drug lord. Brian gets the same deal for his old buddy Roman (Tyrese Gibson) and the two go deep undercover with Monica (Eva Mendes) a customs agent. Brian and Roman are hired to run money for the drug lord and consider taking it all for themselves. However, motivated by a desire to save Monica, the duo come back and save the day, deciding only to skim a little off the top. This movie is by a significant margin the worst in the franchise. It’s like the whole cast is secretly in a bad acting competition, where everyone is trying to give the worst take that actually makes it into the final film. Devon Aoki would probably win that competition, but Tyrese Gibson gives her a run for her money. It does have a certain ridiculous charm to it, at 2 Fast 2 Furious is watchable, but I wouldn’t go out of my way to see it again.

The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift (2006)

After 2 Fast 2 Furious, it was time to clean house. That’s usually the case when Eva Mendes is the best actor at your disposal. So the next title in the franchise abandoned the cast, the setting and even the style of racing. Tokyo Drift opens with Sean (Lucas Black) getting in an accident after racing Brad from Home Improvement. As a punishment, Sean’s sent to live in Tokyo with his father. Yeah, that’s rough. Sean is not so happy about his situation, until he befriends Twinkie (Bow Wow) and gets introduced to Tokyo’s underground racing scene. After an embarrassing loss to DK, the nephew of a yakuza boss (Sonny Chiba), he’s taken under the wing of Han, who teaches Sean in the art of drifting. Long story short, Han ends up dead and Sean defeats DK in an epic final race. As the new king of the Tokyo racing scene, everything seems great for Sean until he meets a new challenger: Han’s old friend, Dom, in a cameo appearance. Tokyo Drift is dumb in all the right ways, and the performances are infinitely more tolerable than in 2 Fast 2 Furious, though still not great. The Japanese setting lends a magical element to the film, as does the preposterous style of racing. While this characterization of Japanese culture is a little frustrating, especially the insistence that “gaijin” is an insult when it’s not really, Tokyo Drift is a lot of stupid fun.

Fast & Furious (2009)

After mucking about with a bunch of people that were not Vin Diesel, the fourth entry in the series had to bring things back to basics. That meant basically giving it the same title as the first movie and getting the important members of the original cast to come back. Fast & Furious opens with an insane hijacking sequence in the Dominican Republic. It turns out Dom and Letty are rolling with a new crew featuring Tego, Rico and Han – oh my God, it’s a prequel to Tokyo Drift! The heat is pretty intense on Dom, so he decides to split the team up. This backfires when he finds out that Letty has died back in L.A. Meanwhile, Brian has worked his way into the F.B.I. and is tracking down another drug dealer, Braga. Dom comes back to the States to avenge Letty and it quickly becomes clear he and Brian are hunting the same person. Dom and Brian join Braga’s crew, where Dom catches the eye of Gisele, Braga’s liaison. Everyone gets pissed off, but eventually Dom and Brian apprehend Braga on their own. Dom decides to turn himself in, which backfires when he is sentenced to 25 years without parole. But, when all seems lost, Dom’s prison bus is surrounded by some vicious-looking racing cars driven by Brian and Mia. Fast & Furious is the least interesting entry in the series, it’s pretty bland. It’s just a really average summer action movie, lacking that special ridiculousness that makes this series so fun.

So, what happens next? How will Brian, Mia and the others get Dom out of that bus? I guess will have to find out together, in Fast Five.