in The Vault

Santa’s Slay (2005)

This is how Santa’s Slay begins: The dysfunctional Mason family is sitting down to a pleasant Christmas dinner. The family includes such stars as; Fran Drescher? Chris Kattan? Rebecca Gayheart? And James Caan as the family patriarch. Suddenly, Santa (Bill Goldberg) bursts through the brick fireplace, slides across the dinner table and stabs two forks into James Caan’s hands, pinning him to the table. Next, Santa knocks a woman over and she is impaled by a chair leg. Santa continues with a candle lighter and a mouthful of alcohol that he uses to light Fran Drescher’s hair on fire. Santa then kicks Chris Kattan into a cabinet. Next, he hits some chick with a chair leg, smacks another one, drowns Fran Drescher in a punch bowl and finishes off the family by jamming a turkey leg down James Caan’s throat and then slamming his head into the table, forcing the turkey leg into his noggin. Christmas has come early.

At 78 minutes, Santa’s Slay doesn’t fuck around. Right off the bat, Santa is brutally slaying the citizens of Hell Township with no explanation, it’s great. We are then introduced to Nicholas Yuleson (Douglas Smith), a cynical teenager working alongside his girlfriend Mary (Emilie de Ravin from Lost) in a deli for Mr. Green (Saul Rubinek). Nicholas lives with his eccentric, inventor grandfather (Robert Culp) who has been preparing for these “slayings” for a long time. Nicholas learns from his grandpa’s book that Santa is the son of Satan. Many years ago, Christmas was “The Day of Slaying” until in 1005 AD, an angel defeated Santa in a curling match. As a result, Santa was sentenced to deliver presents on Christmas for 1000 years. Now that 1000 years is up and Santa Claus has come to town.

Rather than having Santa continue his reign of terror every year, Nicholas decides he must stop him, extreme violence ensues. It’s not entirely clear why Santa has picked Hell Township as his slaying grounds. Or why he decides to single out Nicholas later on, but I don’t care. This movie is absolutely hilarious. Santa Claus is portrayed as a ruthless, Viking warrior that has a sled drawn by a “Hell-Deer” (which looks like a buffalo) and murders anyone in his sight just because he can. My favorite sequence is when Santa enters a strip-club, proclaims “Ho! Ho! Ho’s!” (like whores) and kills people with a stripper pole. What really gets me about these kinds of scenes is that everyone always fights back. Now if a violent, hulking figure approached you would you fight him? No, you’d probably run away. Yet everyone always challenges him and usually ends up with a candy cane stuck in their eye.

The film goes for a comedic tone, but there are few jokes that rise above the level of underwhelming puns. The kills are what make this movie so much fun. Though I was surprised by the acting. Santa’s Slay does show some genuine talent from its various ensemble of mostly TV actors. Unfortunately, Bill Goldberg is not one of those talented individuals. Goldberg looks scary and handles the physicality of the role well but he can’t act. Every time Santa speaks it sounds like an incredibly melodramatic WWF bit. Though I’m not watching Santa’s Slay to see Bill Goldberg display his acting prowess.

Santa’s Slay is the most fun I had watching a Christmas movie this year. The movie is just as ridiculous and hilarious as you would want it to be. If you’re not sold yet, let me add one more thing… Santa can shoot fireballs out of his mouth. Happy Holidays!

P.S. This movie is “Presented by Brett Ratner”.