in Shocktober

Shocktober: Day 27

House of the Dead (2003)

Back when I was a lad we had a computer in the basement that had House of the Dead. Of course the combination of shooting things and zombies instantly won me over and it quickly became my favorite on-rails shooter. Then this dick you may have heard of named Uwe Boll decided to shit on this beloved franchise by making the worst video game movie I’ve ever seen. It doesn’t take a brain surgeon to figure out that an arcade shooter probably isn’t the best basis for a film. Still, Uwe Boll went forward with this nightmarish rave-centric shlockfest that somehow has an even less structured storyline then the game. As a matter of fact, this film doesn’t seem to be about anything, it’s just a bunch of Matrix wannabe bullshit that simultaneously embarrasses both the action and horror genre.

The setup follows a group of teens who head to an island for a rave only to discover it’s been taken over by zombies. The film is over-narrated by some really bland guy who thinks he’s hot shit, I don’t remember his name, I can’t remember any of the character’s names. No one in this movie has any defining characteristics and they only exist so that the film can have a hefty body count. I can barely keep anyone straight except for this one captain played by Jurgen Prochnow named “Captain Kirk” which is supposed to be funny… It’s not. Who are these people? What’s going on? Where’s the house? I guess they do find a house eventually, but it’s not important enough to justify that title. Maybe something like “Island of the Dead” or “Rave of the Dead” would have made more sense.

If this film wasn’t called “House of the Dead” I never would of made the connection, that’s how much it deviates. The only thing even remotely connecting the movie and game is that the movie uses actual clips from the game in-between transitions, which makes absolutely no sense. Not even the action in this film reminds me of the game, how hard is it to get that part right? This is just a bunch of slow-mo, Matrix shit, except with none of the same style. Who made this movie a twelve year old? THIS IS A TRAVESTY! HOW CAN THIS BE SO BAD!!!

On top of it all, it doesn’t seem to be about anything. There’s an island with monsters but why? I guess it’s because of this bad guy they run into named Castillo? Many years ago Castillo injected himself with an “immortality serum” that for no reason exists, so he created zombies or something. I have no idea what he’s trying to accomplish, he’s just a bad guy cause this movie needed one. So basically, all copies of this his film should be burned right now and Uwe Boll should be put to death. I’m offended not only as a horror fan but as a general movie fan and as a rational human being.