in Top Ten

T3: Uh, Oh, Well..

How about… Creepy sea creatures?

10. Dolphins
I’m not positive, but I have my suspicions about dolphins. Lots of people do. They’re smart, social, seemingly friendly. Frankly, there’s something wrong with a sea creature that wants to be my friend. Oh, and get this: orcas are dolphins. That’s why we don’t call them killer whales! I guess we should start calling them whale killers!
9. Oarfish
These suckers can get to be larger than 30 feet long. Gross. Really, just a creeper. We mostly know about them because we find them washed up on shore, we’re not even sure where they come from or where they live.
8. Viperfish
One of several really menacing looking fish to make this list. Really, I know it looks really messed up, but it lives like a mile below the sea, it’s not like I’m ever gonna run into one of these. At least, a living one.
7. Giant Isopod
It turns out this thing is like an underwater armadillo. It’s also got a helluva mouth. But, you know, there’s not much food down there. You gotta adapt to eat whatever you can get. You’re all right, giant isopod.
6. Dragonfish
This is a particularly creepy fish that has one of those light-up lure things to attract prey. Again, sure, it’s terrifying, but it’s also pretty tiny and so far underwater I’m not too worried about running into one.
5. Fangtooth
Fangtooth sounds like the name of some mythical dragon or some shit like that. Can someone explain to me why you need giant teeth to live on the bottom of the ocean? It sounds like a lot of these animals eat their prey whole anyway. What’s the point?
4. Giant Squid
Normal squids are OK, but giant ones are even better. There’s a reason sailors are so creeped out by these suckers. I can appreciate why John is such a fan. Personally, I find them terrifying.
3. Great White Shark
The ultimate killing machine. We all know the stories, the Jaws, the attacks. Did you know if a shark stopped swimming, its weight would cause it to sink and die? You probably did, lots of people know that. But it’s awesome.
2. Blue Whale
These fuckers are the biggest things ever alive (as far as we know). Think about that. Like, really, focus on that. And they eat that plankton shit. They so big! I can’t imagine how terrifying it would be to be like swimming around or in a kayak or something and have one of these show up. Ah…
1. Octopus
The octopus is the greatest creature alive on this earth. Fear its wrath. With incredible camouflage skill, the ability to squeeze through ridiculous gaps, cat-like intelligence, and the ability to survive on land, this is an unstoppable killing machine. People who eat living octopus, like in Oldboy, are braver than 1,000 Harrison Fords.